The Worst Things For Sale

Everyone is missing something in their life. Maybe you’re lonely, maybe you’ve got a shitty career, maybe your family is insane. Or maybe… just maybe… you’ve been wanting to carve a hole into a piece of fruit, so you can put a candle down inside the fruit, so when the fruit rolls over, your house catches on fire.

Here we are, within the 24-hour news cycle surrounding the purported Mayan Apocalypse of 2012, so let’s consider some other ideas people had that didn’t seem to work out.

“The Coming Job Boom: Why the Employment Market for Young Graduates Has Never Been Better” – written in 2008. Too bad about that, really.

“Ireland’s Economic Success” – written in 2008. If you don’t pay attention to world news, Ireland’s got one of the highest unemployment figures in Europe and is mired in austerity.

“Why The Real Estate Boom Will Not Bust” – written in 2006, explaining why you’ll never lose money investing in real estate.

“The Coming Collapse of China” – written in 2001, and predicting that China’s government will be overthrown by 2006, and that the Internet would make Chinese government censorship impossible.

“Dow 36,000: The New Strategy for Profiting from the Coming Rise In The Stock Market” – written in 2000, just before the dot-com bust.

“Dow 100,000” – written in 1999, because fuck 36,000.

You’ll have to go to the product listing to see these mesh pants, because:

1. It’s not censored and you can see a dong and you might be at work right now.

2. I don’t believe you, reviewer “Heather”, when you say that your husband wears these around the house, in your review.

The same manufacturer makes these “running” pants, which I also doubt are for running. There’s a better name for these. Dickpants. They’re all dickpants.

The Vibe It, which sells for $13, is a great way to turn any solid surface into a shitty speaker. You can plug it into your laptop, tablet, phone, or ipod, although why you’d do this when you could use headphones is anyone’s guess. Helpfully, most of the reviews note that the single adhesive pad supplied with the Vibe It doesn’t work.

If you’ve got a slow day at work, this is a great item for playing one of my favorite games, called “Which Review Was Left By The Manufacturer Themselves?” My guess is the five-star, four-paragraph review that includes detailed technical specs of the item.

For only $0.89, you can buy an MP3 of John Cage’s 1952 composition, 4’33”.

The “Rockabye Baby” series of CDs is a great way to hate your favorite artist by spending money on a MIDIfied version of their greatest hits. The company who puts out these discs has bastardized the work of Nine Inch Nails, The Cure, The Smiths, The Flaming Lips, and about twenty other artists (click thru to see the full list.)

You can play classical or instrumental music for your child. You can play an actual Smiths album for your child. You can eschew recorded music altogether and sing and play music with your child. But playing them fucked-up MIDI versions of what you liked in college just proves that you don’t actually like music, or your child, at all.

Since it’s probably illegal to just sell a magic spell itself, the people at Angelical Whispers have put together a “Love Spell Kit.”

If it’s not love you need, but protection from energy vampires, why not try Angelical Whispers Total Protection Oil? According to the description, it gives you all the protection from energy vampirism you’ll need. And the lone reviewer, named Cat The Shewolf, recommends it highly for use against psychic attacks.