The Worst Things For Sale

You’ll have to click through to see the picture of this product. (Sorry, but it’s called Naughty Anal Ring Toss, and maybe you’re at your grandma’s house, and she’s watching you look at the internet, and she loves the GIFs but a picture of a guy with a ring toss thing in his butt will fuck up her lungs or something.)

My main complaint here is that it’s called “Naughty Anal Ring Toss.” It’s not naughty, it’s a sex game with a thing you have to put up your butt to play. It would be “naughty” if you had to eat all the cookies in the cookie jar before you played. Just call it Anal Ring Toss. Nobody’s going to be buying Anal Ring Toss thinking it’s for kids.

The active ingredient in Philip B’s “Russian Imperial Amber Shampoo”, which retails at $72.95 for a twelve-ounce jar, is sodium laureth sulfate. That’s the same active ingredient in almost every other shampoo, most of which sell for three or five bucks at the drugstore.

Also, it refers to itself as “Opulent & Rejuvenating”, which is how you might describe a white-gloved butler giving you CPR.

Tired of using social networks to communicate your actual thoughts and feelings? Then you’ll love “Lines For All Occasions: Tweets & Status Updates.” It’s a small book with hundreds of pre-written bon mots, witticisms, and, I’m guessing, ways to change your profile picture to indicate you hate war and cancer.

The 14-karat gold-plated Slinky is a great way to spend $108 of your hard-earned money in a way that will make you mad. Either you won’t be able to play with it, or the son of a bitch is going to get a kink in it immediately, and you’ll have to sit there and stare at your janked-ass gold Slinky for the rest of your life. You can throw away a five-dollar Slinky and forget about it instantly, but you’ll refuse to chuck this expensive, fucked-up spring.

They’ll throw it on top of your coffin before they start shoveling in the dirt, and your headstone will read CARRIED A BENT-UP SLINKY AROUND FOR LIKE 50 YEARS BECAUSE IT WAS GOLD.

Give the gift that really matters this Christmas. A $795 book entitled “The 2007-2012 World Outlook for Cottage Cheese, Farmers’ Cheese, Pot Cheese, and Bakers’ Cheese That Have Been Creamed in Same Plant from Purchased Curd”.

If that doesn’t do it for you, the author, Philip M. Parker, has over 106,000 other books for sale, on more or less every topic. Almost all of them were created by using a computer program to mine Wikipedia and other databases.

Just in case this doesn’t give you the chills, he wrote a bizarre, racist book with his human hands back in 2000, which suggests that living near the equator will naturally cause a culture to be lazy, stupid, and regressive.

Sea salt is the same as table salt. It’s sodium chloride. Inorganic.

Either “organic sea salt” isn’t sea salt, or it’s not organic. You can only pick one, guys.

Go ahead, put antlers and a red nose on your car. It’ll be funny and fine the first day. The second day it’ll be like “Okay, haha, now stop.” The third, and forthcoming days, it’ll be depressing, as the December snow, wind, and rain fade the color from the cheap plush prostheses. They’ll get wet, they’ll sag, one antler will fall off as you’re on the highway, but you’ll press on, your car the automobile equivalent of a drunk mall Santa, somberly muttering “ho ho ho what do u want for xmas. tell santa. don’t cry. don’t.”