The Worst Things For Sale

You could buy $2 bars of soap that allow you to smoosh the previous bar into the next bar, or you could buy regular soap and accept that you won’t use the last 10% of the soap. Or you could buy regular soap and save the slivers and mush them together when you have like four of them.

Or you could compare the soap issue to the fact that a billion people worldwide don’t have clean drinking water, or that thousands of Haitians are still living in tents after the 2010 earthquake, or that North Koreans have so little food that they eat each other out of necessity. Look in the mirror, look yourself square in the eyes, and ask yourself why we have sacrificed our humanity for convenience.

I wish this were real, but I also don’t, so thankfully, or not, it’s not real. But I looked around really hard for it and now all my targeted advertising thinks I want hunting accessories & chips.

If you liked my post about “Crafting With Cat Hair” then I thought you might want to know that there’s a similar book about knitting with dog hair.

Seeing as you can purchase real human hair online, it’s only a matter of time until someone writes “Human Hair Handicrafts: 39 Creepy Nodules You Can Leave Around Your House.” But the demand will quickly outstrip the available supply, leading to one of those pickup-artist guys writing “HairTime: Guaranteed Strategies 2 Make A Woman Give U Her Hair.”

If you have a young kid, covering up your electrical outlets is a good idea, because you can’t explain stuff like electricity or death to them. They’re still trying to figure out ideas like eating when they’re hungry and the correlation between running headlong into something solid and falling down.

So it’s maybe the dumbest idea in the world to put plastic band-aids over electrical outlets. Kids love band-aids so much that they’ll pretend to be hurt just so you’ll put a band-aid on them. They’re going to be obsessed with the covers, and the outlets, and digging around in the outlets.

This is like Tumblring a big, racist, transphobic JPEG about how much you hate Homestuck and Ponies, and telling people not to call it stupid.

How about some bad Kindle erotica? With an MS Paint cover? Yes? Okay. It’s called Fornicating Freda, and here’s an excerpt.

Then she’d given Freda one of those looks, you know those special little looks that hint at something really interesting to come, some little secret not to be shared with anyone else, something really spicy. Well in this case that little something was just downright rude!

You can read more of this evocative, delicate writing in the free sample.

I know of a better way to make someone scream when they open the toilet lid and it starts with the letter “Whole Box Of Bran Flakes.”

There’s nothing inherently bad about a kilt fashioned as normal menswear. It’s just that you’re not going to buy one and wear it unless you’re the kind of guy who wants everyone to talk to him about his cargo kilt. Your creepy eyes flitting from face to face in the crowd, hoping to catch someone looking at your kilt, your practiced conversation points running on a loop through your head. “It’s a historical garment,” you say expertly, in your head, as no one talks to you. “It’s very comfortable,” you think to yourself.