The Worst Things For Sale

Have you ever wanted to put a tiny amount of orange liquid into a shot glass that will melt, and then hold it in your weirdly babylike hand? You’re in luck, babyhand, because a company has made your stupid dream a reality.

Never mind the fact that shotglasses made of ice are really only useful outside in the summer, which is also the time of year where they will immediately melt enough to be slippery. And never mind the fact that slippery things are really handy when you’ve been drinking. It’s the suggestion that you use JUICE in this that really blows my mind. Getting wet from melting ice, having a wet hand outside, these are things that happen. But having your fat little babyhand slicked with sticky orange juice while you try to hold a melting shotglass made of frozen orange juice, and then drink a separate liquid out of it, is a bit too much to ask.

I hate how football merchandising paints every football fan as being unable to do something unless it has their favorite team’s logo on it. Take, for example, Ohio State Buckeye Yahtzee. The need this fulfills is “Fuck, I love Yahtzee, but I ain’t playing it because it got no football.”

For the sake of brevity I’ll forgo commentary on OSU Cornhole and OSU Jenga, you’ll have to do the “Customers who bought this also bought” thing to see them.

You like binary, you stupid fucking clock? Zeroes and ones? How about this? You like these binaries? (holds up two middle fingers) Smell the fuck you, binary clock, waste of $25-ass not telling me what time it is ass clock.

This dreamcatcher bellybutton ring is great for nabbing any mystical dreams that might have otherwise snuck out of your b-hole and been lost.

The Western Digital MyBook 1TB hard drive is great for backups, if you don’t actually want to have your backup drive work when your regular hard drive fails and you need your files. It’s also great at breaking while you’re actively backing up files onto it.

And, sometimes, it won’t show up when you plug it in, but appear unannounced on your desktop two hours later, like a friend with a drug problem, mumbling “Hey, sup” with no mention of where they were or what they were doing.

I’m a sucker for diet foods. Even with the knowledge that whole foods taste better, are healthier, and more satisfying, I will buy and taste and sometimes even eat diet foods.

Walden Farms Calorie-Free Peanut Spread is no exception to the rule. This company sells a long line of “calorie-free” products. To abide by FDA guidelines, this means it would (among other things) contain a negligible amount of carbohydrates, fat, protein, or alcohol. What does that leave? Artificial sweeteners, undigestible filler, and artificial flavoring.

If you’re wondering “how can they replicate the texture of peanut butter with cellulose gum and water?” the answer is that they can’t, and that they also used some fucked-up plastic instead of peanut flavoring, and then someone dipped an old yellow cum sock in it. Or they used Old Yellow Cum Sock #5.

I encourage you to read the customer reviews, not for the people saying it tastes horrible, but for the one guy who is really enthusiastic about how much he loves this stuff, and how he loves to eat it a lot. If that guy ever goes to prison, he’s gonna be pacing his cell all day muttering “Goddamn, how can I get some more of this great prison food?”

If the title of this $449.00 “art” piece matched its listing, meaning it would be called “BIG ABSTRACT Metal WALL SCULPTURE Modern Art MYSTERIOUS”, there would be some levity to contrast its T. J. Maxxiness, but no such luck. It does come with a certificate of authenticity, which I’m guessing says “The bearer of this certificate has horrible taste.”