The Worst Things For Sale

Look, someone who has a “man cave” isn’t going to make a recipe. They’re going to eat a bag of doritos using only their left hand so they don’t get orange dust on their dick while they’re cranking it real slow to SportsCenter highlights and murmuring “Sports… sports… sports… sports.”

The Marshmallow Peeps album was released in the fall of 2001, in the shadow of the World Trade Center tragedy. It was a time when footage of the crumbling buildings was still being broadcast 24/7 on network television, and the media was pumping us up as hard as they could for the inevitable war against a lot of people who didn’t do it.

Some took the echoing late-2001 refrain “Irony is dead” as a sobering statement of just how scared many people were. The Just Born company, manufacturer of Marshmallow Peeps, must have taken this literally. “Finally,” the CEO must have said, “we can release our Marshmallow Peeps album as a sincere artistic work, and all the people of the world can enjoy this work without the tiring layers of irony that would have otherwise been heaped upon its easily-breakable jewel case.”

Either that, or the government rounded up the worst singers in the country, recorded them, and branded it as a Marshmallow Peeps CD so nobody would accidentally listen to a collection of music designed to be used to torture foreign combatants.

Lawn-mowing season is in full swing, which is great if you have a lawn-mowing business, and sweaty torture if you don’t. You might think that using a mechanical lawn-mower, which would be quieter and less polluting than a gas mower, might make the job more enjoyable. Wrong.

It turns the process of mowing your lawn from a resigned, loud and smelly 30 minutes to a two-hour-long ordeal. It’s slower, and you have to push harder, and if you let your lawn grow for more than about four days between mows you’re fucked. Longer grass gets entangled in the blades instead of being cut, and the cut grass piles up below and clogs up the wheels and blades.

Since the blades are moving with your own power rather than by a motor, you have to keep them sharper, which adds to the time you spend sweating in your stupid yard, and introduces the element of “Maybe I’ll cut myself on this giant yard-sword.”

If you’re like me, leaving a five-dollar bottle of shitty wine out on the counter just isn’t trashy enough. You need a metal sculpture that you can put your wine bottle in, that makes it look like the wine is playing a videogame.

If you work on your own car, maybe you want this exhaust-powered car jack! And by “maybe”, I mean “Maybe, if you’re OK with having like a 50% chance of the car falling and crushing your head and upper body because you were dumb enough to balance it on a $200 rubber balloon.”

Do yourself a favor and look at the full title for this item. It begins “NEW, SMALL, MINI BOTTLES, GLASS BABY” and goes on from there.

The “product features” suggest you use the bottle to hold tears. How are you going to get the tears in the bottle? Apparently, all you have to do is TINY TREASURES, of items, FOR,.

Hey, this “Steampunk Kit” is from my favorite movie! Indiana Jones and the Temple of Mom Get Out Of My Room.