The Worst Things For Sale

Why do I love Greenies? Is it the fact that they’re expensive? Is it the fact that they cause my dog to leave drippy trails of green shit through three rooms of my house, shit that’s apparently really painful because he barks at his own butt the whole time he’s shitting?

No, it’s the fact that they’re full of cellulose fiber, splinter into hard chunks when chewed, and are known to cause bowel obstructions in dogs, which can be fatal and/or require surgery to remove.

If you care about your dog’s teeth, brush them with a toothbrush. Or do what I do and don’t brush them. He’s a dog and I made the vet cut his balls off with a laser and he’s not going on a date or an interview.

Maybe if I use a really expensive notebook, the things I write inside it will be more profound! Sure, I have a smartphone, tablet, and computer which I could use for free, but spending $13 on a little pile of lined paper really does something magical for me.

Before you get too mad, I admit to owning a pile of Moleskine notebooks in different sizes. I hate that I like them so much. I hate that a company has designed a product that exploits a cognitive problem my brain has. I hate it and I write in them and I buy more of them.

The next time someone tells you they believe in intelligent design, ask them “Then why does my brain want me to buy an overpriced notebook?”

The Stainless Steel BioPulverizer is a great gift for Father’s Day. Everyone knows a dad who’s got a big canister of liquid nitrogen and lots of tissue to pulverize but no handy way to do it.

Order now and you get a free orange hammer.

Customers who purchased Stainless Steel BioPulverizer also purchased: Regular Pulverizer. Green Hammer. 34” Portable Christmas Tree. Brown Hammer.

I can’t think of what you would do with a 60”x41” decal of a guy sitting on a couch playing Xbox. Would you put it on the wall behind your gaming spot and pretend you had a buddy there Xboxing with you? Would you stick it to someone’s window as a prank, so they thought there was a guy in their yard playing Xbox? Or would you stick it above your modern couch in your Apartment Therapy-ass apartment to bring the preciousness of your impossibly-clean modern tables and lamps back to earth?

(Seriously, look at the sample picture of it hanging in an apartment.)

Paula Deen, the obese celebrity chef who hid her diabetes for three years while encouraging her viewers to make unhealthy recipes, still sells a 1-quart saucepan as a “Butter Warmer.”

Unhealthy probably isn’t the right word for the recipes she’s been pushing for years. Her most recent cookbook, which came out only three months before her endorsement deal with diabetes drug maker Novo Nordisk, includes a recipe called “Sweet Saltines With Bacon.” The recipe is to pour maple syrup over saltine crackers and then stick bacon on it. I’m not making this up, it’s on Page 18 in her book “Southern Cooking Bible.”

Let’s move past the fact that maple syrup on crackers has nothing to do with southern cooking and return to that butter warmer. A quart is 32 ounces, and 32 ounces of butter contains 6,510 calories. Considering that obesity is closely tied to diabetes, and Paula Deen is financially linked to a diabetes-drug manufacturer, her whole schtick is suddenly looking less like bad nutrition and more like an eerie plan to push Food Network fans to eat themselves into insulin resistance.

If you’re going to spend $699.99 to buy your dog a knockoff Le Corbusier couch, you might as well spend three hundred more and buy your own self a knockoff Le Corbusier couch. The dog will probably spend all of his time on the dog couch trying to figure out how to open the closet door so he can sit on your dirty clothes, anyway.

Thanks for the reminder, wall. Now if I could only find some metal words that said “Eat, Breathe, Shit.”