The Worst Things For Sale

How about your very own ATM machine, for $2,599.00? No? You don’t want to buy it? What if I tell you that if you click through to the full-size picture on the listing, you can see that it’s not even a new ATM, but appears to be plugged in, full of money, and inside someone’s dirty convenience store?

From the same circle of hell as the previously-blogged-about toast-and-egg toaster, I bring the Hot Dog Toaster.

I thought the point of hot dogs was that you could make them using nothing other than a paper towel, a microwave, and bad nutrition, but along comes the Hot Dog Toaster to prove me wrong.

“You’re a Republican, sir?” the employee at Jiffy Lube asked, dirty air-hose in hand. Ray smiled and nodded. Nothing earned him respect like his purple Republican Elephant valve caps.

Are you fucking kidding me that a pencil sharpener costs $399.00? What year is this? You can get a magic pocket rectangle that stays on the internet 24 hours a day for that much. Or less than that much, I don’t know, I don’t keep up on how much phones cost, I just buy a new one when my old one breaks.

Next thing you’ll be telling me is that you can get a fountain pen for a thousand dollars and sit there and fill the stupid fucking thing up with ink and deal with it leaking all over the place. Oh, that’s a link? So that’s a real product? Cool, eject my fleshy human body into space so I don’t have to live on this planet any more.

I have two thoughts on “magic kits” for kids.

1. Where did the ball go?

2. It was in my fucking hand.

This workout drink isn’t bad in itself. It’s full of branched-chain amino acids, which are used for building muscle, and has electrolytes to replenish the salt you lose in sweating. It’s too bad it’s called “XTEND”, which makes it sound like you’re buying watermelon penis powder.

Hey, this nickel is only five cents!  Maybe you should put that nickel in your pocket and use at the store for face value instead of listing it for sale online.