The Worst Things For Sale

If you’ve ever wondered what the subtext is for the hobby/fantasy/obsession of “doomsday prepping”, it is, of course, far-right-wing politics. It ties gun-culture together with vigilantism, the destruction of federal government, and a bit of ethnic cleansing. Usually they’re a bit coy about the business of murdering non-whites or implying that they’ve died due to not accumulating guns and bullets before the apocalypse, but not here.

The author has written 18 volumes of Race Wars.

“The hell you wanna cut my beard for?” pleads this male cosmetology mannequin, with his beautiful blue eyes. At least it’s not this extraterrestrial mannequin, who looks like the damn cover of Communion.

“Great for bosses,” lies the box of the Pee-On Urinal Picture Kit. Sure, you can print out and piss on a picture of a sports team, a corporation, a political figure… no problem. But probably not your boss.

But it doesn’t matter to most of us either way, until they make one that works with the portable children’s urinal that you use by pissing into an alligator’s mouth.

The Hang N Out Trash Bag Holder is exactly what it sounds like: it holds a trash bag. It bolts onto your truck’s tire, in an apparent attempt to create the least practical way to hold a trash bag in a world full of cans, baskets, and buckets. The only thing it has going for it is that it’s not this $1,300 trash can.

Forever leaning up against the window, pleading for someone to help her… forever stuck in her unmoving, dead body. (The manufacturer has more pictures on the listing, but this one was the least gross.) But the “please help me” mannequin isn’t the worst. Not by a long shot. I’m going to say the doe-eyed little-girl mannequin with the body of an adult woman is the grossest one you can buy in America today. “The skin feeling of doll is close to a gril,” they brag.

For the mannequin-fucker on a budget, there is the hard-nippled Realistic Sexy Female Fiberglass, which includes “Free wig (we will choose the wig for you.)”

“Put fake poop on toilet seat, then spray the fart spray!” brags the manufacturer of the Fart And Poop Combo Deal.

Do not be afraid. I am just doll.

I am doll. I love you.