The Worst Things For Sale

When you’re shopping for dead squirrels, it’s tempting to go for the classic Old West cowboy squirrel, with his hat and tiny revolver. A mid-level dead-squirrel enthusiast might go for the hunter squirrel, decked out in orange vest and rifle. But the true treasure of dead squirrels is the Canoe Squirrel, rowing down the river of Eternity with his proportionately-sized paddle and craft. Just a passenger on the ship of life, like all of us, except dead, and full of polyester stuffing, with no eyeballs, and glass beads sewn beneath the skin to give the appearance of life.

This toddlers’ shirt is only available in sizes 2T through 4T, but you can always order big and wait for your kid to grow into it. If he’s a weed-smoking Irishchild, that is.

Should your child live a sober non-Irish life, but is instead married to a Mexican man, you can purchase him (or her) this “I (heart) My Mexican Husband” t-shirt for toddlers.

The Hyperlip is a plastic ring you wedge in your mouth to keep your mouth hanging open. Why? The manufacturer doesn’t explain, but notes it’s a “great conversation starter.” It’s worth a peek for the picture of the old guy wearing one, if nothing else.

You can put a hat on a ferret. Ain’t against the law. Sure.

You can put a leash on a guinea pig. Ain’t no one gonna have fun, but, go for it.

The one thing you can’t do is put a leash on a ferret and take it outside. Soon as you cross that threshold, you just got a damn weasel on a rope.

“My Two Holes” would be your standard-issue fleshy spectacle. Except for the hands with the long claw-like nails, angrily pulling it apart as if to destroy it. And the picture of the thing with a bunch of jizz on it.

“On the pillow we purchased the Boobs are touching,” writes a reviewer of this titty-pillow, for whom titty-geometry seems a matter of importance. Were he an astute shopper, he would have bought this combo of penis-pillow, titty-pillow, penis-slippers, and titty-slippers for half the price. But for my money, the plush stuffed uterus is the best bang for your buck. Maybe it’s cause it has a face, or maybe it’s because it has a matching sperm cell.

Bunchems are plastic balls covered with Velcro-like hooks. They might be fun to play with, but according to the customer reviews, the main thing that happens with them is that they get tangled in childrens’ hair. The same parents who have written dozens of bad reviews keep posting pics of their childrens’ hair tangled with dozens of Bunchems, in case you think I’m exaggerating.