The Worst Things For Sale

What is it with hot sauce and the ass (the butt part of the body)? Why are they obsessed with it? I’m pretty sure that it’s just that Ass Kickin’ Hot Sauce (above) used the word Ass, and it sold well, and all the other hot sauce makers around the world figured it was due to use of the word ass. They might be right, actually, but that doesn’t mean there’s any excuse for food condiments to be named any one of these:

• Ass Reaper
• Ja-Makin’ My Ass Burn
• Ass In Space
• Ass In Hell
• Hog’s Ass
• Weapons of Ass Destruction
• Neal’s Hairy Ass
• Smack My Ass & Call Me Sally
• Ass In Antarctica

Those are all links leading to the products. They’re real hot sauce you can buy. You know, if you want to put Neal’s Hairy Ass on your hot dog.

Achieving union with a horse sounds disgusting, and potentially fatal. But Yoga For Equestrians shows us that, actually, you can just do yoga while you’re sitting on a horse, and then it’s, like, a crystal… energy… chakra… horse thing.

Too hippy-dippy and not enough pseudo-scientific mom-based body-movement? Check out Pilates For The Dressage Rider, which is exactly what it sounds like.

And if you’re worried about the horse, don’t be. Horses do plenty of yoga. Check out the Horse Yoga 2016 Calendar for 18 long months of horses stretching their shit.

This is a “Diet Mountain Dew Dale Jr Call,” which, apparently, you blow into, and it attracts a Dale Jr.

The price will be no problem, assuming you have one of these million-dollar bills with Dale Jr.’s face on them. You’ll even have enough money left over to buy a Dale Jr. spatula.

The seller perfectly describes this item, which is a thousand metal tabs pulled off of soda cans, as “Great for Arts an Crafts [sic]“.

It has 14 “verified purchase” reviews, which means the seller had to go through at least 14,000 cans of soda over the past year.

This cookie cutter is a “pot o’gold rainbow”. Bizarrely, it looks a lot more like a penis than the “MasterBaker” humping-cookies cookie cutter looks like anything recognizable at all.

Live your 1980s-based dreams with the “Octagon Aqua Coffee Table,” which is actually a hexagon. But those two missing sides mean very little considering your dream’s coming true! Neon lights! Lamborghini Diablos! Ronald Reagan in charge of the country! This table truly is, as the manufacturer says, “Art In Motion.”

A perfect match for the Driving Barista, the AutoExec RoadMaster Car Desk allows you to file paperwork and use your laptop while you blaze down one road or another, oblivious to your surroundings.