Motorized Ice Cream Cone


Why waste those precious calories moving your hand and mouth around when you could hold this motorized ice cream cone up to your stupid face and smoosh the ice cream into it automatically? After all, if there’s one thing we need in the year 2013, it’s all the calories we can get.

I Believe In Cheese Graters


I believe in cheese graters too, because they’re real, and I have one in my kitchen. It’s not something you have to have a lot of faith in. Maybe you’re different, though, and you need this flag to prove to your neighbors that you don’t deny the grating of cheese. It’ll go well with your “I Believe In Bingo” flag. And your “I Believe In Grapefruit” flag. Hey, maybe you live next to a cigar skeptic, and you want to let him know: Cigars are real, and I believe in them, and my flag agrees with me.

Baby’s Head, Emerging


I’m not censoring “Baby’s Head Emerging From Woman’s Vagina”, a 48″x48″ self-adhesive decal, because I think the miracle of life is offensive. I just didn’t want to blast you with it while you’re at work. The item description shows the full miracle of life if you’re in the mood for miracles.


(EDIT: About 15 minutes after this blog entry went up, the item’s listing was removed. If you’re absolutely dying for some kind of genital-related thing to click on, why not a product called Beauty Hole Ass Vagina? That’s Not Safe For Work, unless you work in the Beauty Hole factory.)

Drum Machine Wallet


When you open Drum Machine Wallet, it plays one of five drum-machine beats through a tiny speaker. So there you’ll be, in a restaurant, at the grocery store, or just trying to dig out a dollar bill to get a soda, and horrible little mechanical sounds will play, causing everyone within earshot to turn and bore holes into your skull with their laser-eyes of irritation. Throw your fedora in the trash can, buddy, you’ve found a new way to make everyone hate you.

Cellulite vacuum vibrator


Cellulite is subcutaneous fat that clumps up under the skin of around 80% of adult women worldwide. Since this is a target market of around 2 billion people, there is no shortage of devices designed to reduce or remove the appearance of cellulite.

One of my favorites, though, is Celluless MD, a handheld device that looks like some kind of vibrator inside a breast pump attached to a Clarisonic brush. The manufacturer, beneath the picture of a girl who’s too young to accumulate cellulite in the first place, boasts that it’s “best for holiday parties.” I’ve never gone to a holiday party where I get handheld-vacuumed, but now I’m wondering what I’ve been missing all these years.

Well… only kinda wondering. The customers all say that it either arrived broken or broke immediately.

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