Anorexia Skeleton Doll


I’ve never been a fan of the “Monster High” dolls (see my post about “Frankie Stein”) but this one really takes the cake. You cannot get more anorexic than an actual skeleton, in makeup, wearing clothes. Our children are being sold pretty skeletons and they dress up the pretty skeletons. It’s so much more fun than putting clothes and makeup on their own bodies, which are so fat, and will never be as skinny and beautiful as a skeleton.

Automobile Snack Holders


The “Smart Snacker Personal Travel Container” fits in the cupholder of your car and lets you drink soda and eat chips while you’re driving. “Smart snacking” might be a bad name, though, since it could be argued the smartest time to snack is not when you’re in control of a four-thousand-pound metal capsule that explodes gasoline to drag your family across the decaying infrastructure of America.

If you want to make sure your kids don’t miss out on the metabolic joy of trans-fats and sugar, you can install the Auto Back Seat Organizer. The name suggests it’s to be used for files, but the product picture shows TWO sodas, a bigass fries, a hamburger sitting on a pull-out tray, and TWO EXTRA SNACK BOWLS ATTACHED TO THE SIDES.

And, if you want a little more elegance, try the Automobile Swivel Tray, a device that holds a turntable on an extendable arm, to allow you to plop a full plate of food down right next to the steering wheel, and rotate it, if you can’t quite reach some of the food on the plate, because you’ve piled it so high that you can’t touch the other side. The last is especially notable for the customer complaint that – at nearly a foot in diameter – it is not large enough.

Morgellons: Level 5 Plague


If there’s anyone you should take medical advice from, it’s a man who calls himself “Commander X.” He’s one of the authors of Morgellons: Level 5 Plague Of The New World Order. The CDC has classified Morgellons as a type of delusional parasitosis, but don’t let that keep you from making money by spreading the insane fear that colored fibers are growing out of your skin because of the government, Commander.

Dog DNA Test Kit


This DNA testing kit for dogs ($65) lets you send in a cheek swab from your dog to let you know what you should be doing to “make him happier and healthier.” Here, let me save you the money: Give him dog food and let him shit outside.

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