Ice Hoax: “The Hidden Messages In Water”


“The Hidden Messages In Water” is written by Masaru Emoto, a man who insists that water crystallizes differently based on the “energies” that surround it. He claims (fraudulently, of course) that if you mentally project fear or other negative emotions onto a test-tube of water, it will freeze into a grey lump rather than into an elegant crystalline snowflake. His title of “Dr.” comes from a certificate of “Doctor In Alternative Medicine from Open International University,” which is exactly as legitimate as it sounds.

The sequel, “The Shape Of Love”, insists that humans can predict future events by looking at ice crystals under a microscope, divining their shape to find such specific prophecies as “despair” or “hope.” You can tell it’s real because he used a microscope, and they don’t let just anyone have one of those.

Gorgeous Pen Pals


I’ve been waiting for all my life for a man to write a book about Asian women as if they’re objects, and finally, it’s happened. In his quest to be thorough, Colbert Bellevue breaks down the different ethnicities of Asian women, letting you know the most efficient way to trick each of them into coming to America and marrying your weird, old self. Oops, I mean “get pen pals.”

I’m wondering if this whole idea of buying a foreign bride really worked out for Colbert, though, considering he wrote a cautionary guide about getting kidnapped in the Phillipines. Hey, you wouldn’t want to get forced into living somewhere you don’t want while you’re in the Phillipines using your Western wealth to force an Asian woman to live in your American house, would you?

Objects In Mirror Are Zombies


I get that this sticker is a reference to zombie shows on TV, but then again, I don’t get what it’s getting at. Same with the “Support Zombies” magnetic ribbon. You like zombies, or you don’t, or you’re scared of them, or you fight them?

I guess in a world where children work in third-world factories to make novelties that we bury in the ground when we tire of them, nothing makes sense, and this is just par for the course.

Shakespeare’s Star Wars


The author of this book has combined two of my least favorite things with “William Shakespeare’s Star Wars.” It may be that you look at this and your pulse speeds up, your mouth dries out, and you whisper “Damn Gina, this is some epic win.” For you, there are two sequels, “The Empire Striketh Back” and “The Jedi Doth Return.” Read them while you eat your shrimp covered in glitter, or while you wear tighty-whiteys emblazoned with the Dave Matthews Band logo, or any other two things I don’t like, put together.

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