Urgh: A Zombie Memoir


I didn’t think the zombie trend could get any dumber, but it’s happened. “Urrgh: A Zombie Memoir” is written in “zombish,” which the authors seem to imply is the language of zombies. You can read the first few pages online, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Orbeez Ladybug Scooper


The Orbeez Laybug Scooper goes around your house, like a Roomba, and picks up Orbeez, which are little plastic balls that soak up water. Well, it does this in theory. In reality, Orbeez are fucking wet, and they stick to everything, and this toy does not pick them up. They are hard to sweep up, gum up vacuums, and maddening to pick up one-by-one. They grow mold if they don’t dry out fast enough.

For a true vision of horror, though, click through to the product page and watch the video (I can’t embed it here.) The video starts with two tweens gleefully chucking handfuls of Orbeez around the house, and goes downhill from there. 

Bluetooth Fork


This fork, the kind of fork you eat with, connects to your computer via Bluetooth. You eat all of your food with the fork, and it measures how you ate with the fork. Of course, for this to actually work, you’d have to take your gigantic Bluetooth fork everywhere you go, and eat all your food with it. The lone customer review suggests that it doesn’t really work, though, and when contacted, the company told the user that they were “eating wrong.”

I view this as a companion piece to the internet-enabled scale I wrote about last year. Broadcast your weight-shame to the internet and then have your bluetooth fork vibrate your skull when it determines you are eating too fast. It’s the future of weight-loss, and that’s why none of us are overweight anymore, in 2013.

Bad Ass Socks


The arrows point at the wearer’s ass. “BAD ASS,” these socks say. They would match with a shirt that says “TERRIBLE ASS. JUST A SHAME OF AN ASS” with an arrow pointing down the back. 

Ipad Chair For Newborns


Just in case you weren’t disgusted enough by the iPad potty for toddlers, Fisher-Price has come out with the “Ipad Apptivity Seat”, which it explicitly says is for newborns. Slap your day-old human into this thing and start feeding him apps and videos before he even gets a chance to experience unmediated human interaction. I’m sure there’s absolutely no downside to that.

If you think I’m exaggerating, check out the gallery of images that the manufacturer has provided to show that, yes, it’s really for tiny babies to be strapped into and Ludovico’ed.

The Past Lives Of Children


“Children’s Past Lives: How Past Life Memories Affect Your Child” is 371 pages long. One page would have sufficed, and it would have said “they don’t.”

The proof the author gives is that her own son described his own past-life death on a Civil War battlefield, which was “authenticated by an expert historian.” To me, this just says that the author let her son watch the History Channel before it turned into the Trash People Digging Through Trash Channel.

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