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FakeTV

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The FakeTV ($32) is a box you plug in when you’re on vacation, so it looks like someone’s home and watching television. It displays different flickering light patterns, so from outside, it looks like the television is on. (You can click through to see what the actual unit looks like, but I wanted to include the manufacturer’s illustration above for aesthetic reasons.)

The only way the FakeTV would look more realistic is if it also played some sound, that sounded like television sound. If only we could get something for our home that would make television sound and display pictures. Like… I don’t know… a television.



PetZoom

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The PetZoom, a tray with a porous pad on top, lets your dog urinate inside of the house. It’s a great way to get your dog used to pissing inside the house. It holds up to a gallon of liquid, so it’s also a great way to keep a gallon of dog piss in a shallow tray on your floor.



Green toilet paper

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Regular toilet paper is white, meaning that it will match any color or combination of colors you use in your bathroom. But maybe you’re tired of seeing brown butt-dirt on that clean white paper, and you need a different color to offset what you didn’t digest. That’s an OK feeling to have, because feelings are natural. Just be prepared to pay a lot for a three-pack of your green toilet paper, and also for me to say your natural feelings are stupid.

Sorry. If you wanted to be a teacher or you wanted to learn to paint I’d tell you to go for it.



RoboStir

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The RoboStir is one of a few similar products which claim to automatically stir pots on the stove. If you’re cooking gravy or sauce, you have to constantly stir the pot and scrape the bottom so it doesn’t burn. You have to scrape the entire surface area of the pot to keep it from burning in spots. So even if the RoboStir worked, it wouldn’t do a thorough job.

Of course, if you read the reviews, it doesn’t work at all, and falls apart within about a minute.



2013

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When the 2000s began, and we could wear novelty glasses where the middle zeros were the glass-holes, and we could look through the zeroes, that was fine. It worked, and it was symbolic of last decade. Practical, but ultimately, empty.

Since 2010 came along, though, novelty manufacturers have been unable to conceive of another trope for new-year decorations, and have compromised by putting a hole in the 1, a digit which is defined as a thin vertical line. The digit in binary which represents the opposite of zero. It doesn’t work at all, yet we still do it.

And so, these glasses represent our ‘tytens, the meme decade, the years when the idea no longer works, but we keep cramming it on in there. Put a zero in that one. Keep beating that dead horse. And enjoy it while we’ve got it. The twenty-twenties are going to be so fucked up and shitty we’ll look back on these years with rose colored glasses.

Probably a pair with holes put through the twos in “2020”.







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