Fuck Off Socks

fuck-off-socks

The motorcyclist pulled up next to my car and tapped on my window. I rolled it down. Leaning back onto the bike, he swung his leg up, propping his heel on the handlebar. Then he held eye contact with me, wordlessly, as he pulled his road jeans up slowly, inch by inch, until the sock’s FUCK OFF! message was revealed. I nodded, and satisfied, he sat back, revved his loud machine, and farted away.



Scientifically-Incorrect Periodic-Table Merchandise

periodic-table-beer-glass

Demographically targeted at people who “fucking love science” but don’t love it enough to have learned anything about it, the Periodic BeEr Glass points out that two unrelated elements spell the word beer if you put their periodic-table entries next to each other. The Periodic LuNCH Box does the same, with different elements, for the same reason.

Instead of an explanation of why finding patterns in letters isn’t relevant to science, I’ll point out something mildly interesting: you can buy a tiny amount of erbium (Er) online if you want it for some reason. It’s worth around $5 a gram in bulk. Lutetium, the “Lu” in LuNCH Box, is worth around $340 a gram, roughly ten times the price of gold, and is rare enough that it’s not commonly resold to people online who just want a vial of it for some reason. But the most expensive element in the world right now is the radioactive isotope Californium-252. Only eight grams total of this element have been refined since its discovery in 1950, and each one of those eight grams is worth around $27,000,000.00.

Of course, if you just want something radioactive, you can buy a chunk of radioactive uranium oxide for twenty bucks.

 

Not For Cocaine

not-for-cocaine

Describing this as “(Not For Cocaine)”  is a nice way to ensure your paraphernalia visible for the keywords cocaine and snorting. I wonder if the old “do you have something to put in here” works for cocaine accessories, too.

I mean… not-for-cocaine accessories.  



Alex Chiu’s Immortality Rings

alex-chiu-immortality-rings

Most scams come and go, but Alex Chiu has been selling his “Immortality Rings” online since the 90s. They’re magnets which you fasten to your little fingers with the plastic rings, as shown here, and, obviously, that makes you immortal, because of energy. When I first saw them on Web 1.0, accompanied by blinking text and webrings, the rings were his only product. Now, he’s expanded to black rings and foot braces, the latter of which comes with a warning that “these items are not made for comfort.” But we’re talking about immortality, not comfort. If you want to live forever, you got to strap on your damn magnets.

(Thanks to @dril for reminding me that these exist.)  

Bobby Bully, the punching-child

 

bobby-bully

When you get bored of the typical punching-bag or adult-bad-guy targets to carry out your martial artistry, Bobby Bully is here to be your four-foot-two target of hand- and foot-based violence. It’s more realistic than the jaunty, infographic-styled purple Practice Buddy, though I have no doubt that any true practitioner of child-fighting needs both.

“My son loves to beat … when he is mad. It’s the perfect size for my 6-year-old,” says one unconcerned mom. “My very destructive nephews … beat up Bobby instead of my husband and me,” adds another. That might seem slightly insane, but from where I stand, if you don’t use consumer goods to address the symptoms of your problem instead of addressing the problem itself, then it ain’t god-damned America.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.