Drum Machine Shirt


The only thing less comfortable than wearing a t-shirt with a circuit sewn into the front of it is being around someone who’s playing a drum beat on their fucking drum-machine shirt. If you’re going to insist on playing “drums” at your desk at work, at least get a Mr. Knocky.

Indium supplements: A scam (of course)


One of the latest naturo-homeo-vitamin supplement scams involves indium, a soft metal with no known biological function. Its makers claim that it reverses aging and gives you more energy, which, curiously, are also the same claims that every other supplement scam makes. The only thing that separates indium from raspberry ketones, saffron extract, and garcinia cambogia is that Television’s Dr. Oz has not endorsed it yet. But maybe he will, by the time you read this! (Read my articles Fuck You, Dr. Oz and Dr. Oz Strikes Again if you don’t already know why this guy is such a piece of shit.)

Duck Tape Scents


When you’re using Duck Tape to fix something, does it really matter how it smells? To some people, apparently, yes. The least objectionable one is probably the Orange Cream flavor, above, but there’s also a Grape (yuck), Bubble Gum (barf) and a Cupcake (?!?!) version in case your stomach’s not turning yet.

Bizarrely, you can also buy the bottled scent of an actual duck, although duck-scented Duck Tape doesn’t seem to be in the works yet.

Boxes, with words, for moms


There is a 70% chance your mom and a 94% chance your stepmom has one of these Primitives By Kathy boxes with words on it in her house. I picked this one out because it only makes sense if you’ve never heard the word “pilates.” Even if you think it’s pronounced with “pilots,” it wouldn’t sound like “lattes” unless you pronounced that “lots.” Live, laugh, love, I suppose.

(Also, Kathy, if you put a turtle on an escalator, the turtle would be terrified, and you’d be a weird asshole for bringing a turtle to a mall.)

Epically Memed Recipes


If you look at a regular recipe in a cookbook and think “sure, this tastes good, but it would be epic as fark if I added bacon for no reason and drew a bunch of fucking Rage Faces on it,” then this is the book for you. Pair any of the recipes with Lester’s Bacon Soda for a memey treat that only the worst could stomach. Such Doge. Many 2012-era t-shirts. Such wow.

Depression Cheese For Two


Fondue is more than melted cheese. It’s getting people together to have a group dining experience, laughing and forking bread and apples around a rickety metal pot. The Fondue Mug sidesteps this by allowing you to create fondue by yourself, on the couch. It comes as a set of 2, but let’s face it: this just lets you have fondue by yourself twice before washing the dishes.

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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.