Baja Blast: The Drink, The Vape


Is Mountain Dew Baja Blast a bad soda? Sure, objectively, yes. But this isn’t about the soda. The item I really want to highlight is Baja Blast vape juice. Supposedly made from the soda, it’s 30 disgusting milliliters of boiled-down soda and glycerin, ready to load into your vape.

Then again, if you’re a Regular Mountain Dew drinker and vapist, then you’d want the Regular Mountain Dew Vapor Max VG for your puffable robot-dick.

The BioBidet: Future Ass-Washer

bio-bidet-future-toilet-ass-washerYou might think I’m going to go in on the practice of washing your ass with hot water. I’m not. Having a pre-heated jet of body-temperature water spray your starfish from the BioBidet is one of life’s amazing luxuries. You go about the rest of your day cleaner than anyone who hasn’t bideted, and it’s like having a miniature spa for the hardest-working, least-appreciated hole on your body. (Watch the video if you don’t believe me.)

But that’s the problem, actually. You could go for the $26 cheapo bidet attachment instead of the several-hundred-dollar BioBidet. It’s hygenic, but instead of jacuzziïng your tunnel with warm water and gently drying it with a fan of warm air, you shock it with cold pipe water. A brutal wake-up call instead of a day at the ass-sauna.

And what of using the bathroom at work, or in public? It goes from a pleasant break in your day to a begrudging acceptance of the fact that you’re wasting a sit-down in a cold, shitty echo-chamber. Someone invariably wipes their boogers on the wall. No ass fan. All of your future shit sessions feel like a scene from Brazil, sharing part of a tiny room with another person who steals even your solitude. Life is shit.  

How To Ruin The Environment: Soda Edition


It’s been well-established for years that K-Cups, the non-recyclable plastic pod system for making single cups of coffee, are an environmental disaster. But the Keurig corporation wasn’t satisfied with turning the cheap, eco-friendly drip coffee process into a nightmare of plastic hell. They’ve now introduced Keurig Kold, which does the same for soda, turning its easily-recyclable aluminum cans into a similarly eco-terrorizing cavalcade of landfilled plastic cups.

Adding insult to injury, the machine itself is north of three hundred bucks, with the pods costing ten to fifteen bucks for a pack of four. Yes, that’s $2.50 to $3.75 each. For an eight-ounce drink.  

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.