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Miracle fruit

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Miracle fruit is the berry of a plant indigenous to West Africa which contains a glycoprotein called miraculin. This protein binds to the sweet receptors on your tongue, causing everything you eat to taste sweet for about an hour after you coat your tongue in miracle berry pulp (or tablets, like these, which contain an extract.)

When you’ve dosed yourself with miracle berry, strong beer tastes like creme soda. Lemons and limes taste like candies. Cream cheese tastes like cheesecake. Sour candy tastes like sweet candy! Grapefruit tastes like grapefruit candy!

Then, an hour later, as you’re spooning cream cheese into your mouth like a stoner with an empty fridge, your guts start to hurt. They pang, and tear, worse and worse, and you set down the cup, suddenly realizing that you can’t eat a pound of acidic fruit just because it tastes okay. The curdled cream-cheese and fruit cocktail erupts out of your gullet and onto your rug, washing the last of the protein from your tongue, and you taste the bitterness of shame.

You Love Moustache

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You ♥ moustache, huh? And you get to wear that out in public, all day, but I can’t take 10 steps inside the mall with my “I ♥ PUBES” shirt before the security guard tells me to leave.

Could you imagine

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Could you imagine liking a commercial so much that you buy merchandise of the commercial? Not the thing the commercial’s selling, but a souvenir, from the commercial, to remind you of the commercial.

Of course, this is America, so that market exists, and their need has been fulfilled. My only question is why hasn’t Progressive made a commercial for this bobblehead, and sold merchandise of THAT commercial’s character, because this could keep going forever, down and down.

We are the only life that we know of in the universe. There is only darkness for thousands of light-years in every direction, and this is what we’ve done with our light.

When I touch the commercial, she head bobbles.



Sexflesh

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The Sexflesh “Ride Me Transsexual” is a horrific, fleshy lump of plastic that’ll set you back $241. Rest assured that it’s not here for breaking the boundaries of gender. It’s here because it’s a dead body with dead eyes and a rigor-mortis penis and someone cut her legs off oh my god we have to call the cops we have to call the cops what are you

no

no please

no no no no what are you doing put your pants NO PLEASE NO NO NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO THOSE “THREE WAITING LOVE OPENINGS”



Discovery Kids Ice Cream Maker

tumblr_miupqsVe6H1rt7j2bo1_400The Discovery Kids Ice Cream Maker is, apparently, the worst ice-cream maker in the world. It’s made of plastic, which breaks as soon as the ice cream starts to freeze, and the liquid mix leaks out of the container. (The reviewers seem to unanimously agree that it’s worthless.)

It’s a shame, too, because kids can learn a lot from making their own consumables instead of just buying them at the store. Two years ago my daughter couldn’t even spell cigarette, and now she can roll them behind her back with one hand.









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