Liquefied Bacon


Three jars of liquefied bacon shouldn’t cost $46, but I guess if you’ve got to buy something for the sort of person that wants to eat bacon grease, you probably don’t have a choice. This is your gift to them, this year.

The customer reviews included such comments as “I ate it out of the jar.” Of course you did, you wanted a fifteen dollar jar of bacon grease to begin with, it wasn’t like you were going to use it sparingly as a condiment. When you were finished you probably chomped a big stick of butter and thought “I’m a major foodie.”

Not the perfect solution


This $18.99 plastic bowl is not “the perfect solution” to eating pistachios, olives, and edamame. The perfect solution for those foods is to set out two regular cheap bowls and put the shells/seeds/pods in the empty one.

Or, let’s be honest, you can just pile the leftover crap up on your desk and let it dry out there for a couple of days. When you’re eating alone in front of the computer, the only person you have to impress is yourself.

Bullshit Legos


This set of LEGO figures is some bullshit. When I was a kid, we had one Lego Man Head and it was a smiley face. Now these little people have emotions. Some of them have lipstick. Some of them have hair. There are LEGO cops with LEGO handcuffs.

It’s bullshit because it’s probably fun as hell and all we had was Smiley Face Lego Man and 3 channels on the goddamn TV and it sucked. And everyone was skinny, but for the same kind of bullshit reason. We had to eat weird stuff our parents cooked instead of going to Cracker Barrel and Burger King every night.

I’m not against progress, I’m just saying that it could at least be slow enough that it doesn’t make us mad. Our kids never had to inch through the internet on a modem or watch Duck Tales and get the stupid song stuck in their heads because it was the only thing on TV when they got home from school.

Also, that one LEGO lady is a blogger, she has a LEGO COMPUTER, what the cold hell?

I guess it’s a good idea


I guess it’s a good idea to make a kid stop sucking their thumb. I don’t know. I never looked into it because my kid never did it. This weird little thing is called a Thumbuster and it either makes your kid stop sucking their thumb, or start sucking a Thumbuster.

My problem here isn’t with the device itself, but the poor kids who had to strap on this fluorescent thumb dildo and pose for pics with it. Each one smiling so the camera goes away, the kind of smile that says “I’m 8 and I hate being alive.” Flip through the gallery of customer pictures and tell me you don’t agree.

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