Two-dollar bill


This two-dollar bill costs $9.98. In fact, there are a ton of two-dollar bills being sold online for inflated prices.

Most banks will give you a two-dollar bill for exactly two dollars, if you want one. If you want a whole bunch, they can usually get you as many as you want with some advance notice. They’re cool as long as you don’t become that smug guy who pushes them on idiot teens in big-box stores and then sneers “IT’S LEGAL TENDER. BET YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT VINYL RECORDS ARE EITHER.”

iPhone flask


I’ve never understood the preoccupation with sneaking alcohol into places. It’s not that I don’t like to drink in public; I do, it’s fun and healthy. I just don’t understand why the age-old standby of putting liquor or wine into an empty can of pop doesn’t work for anyone else but me.

Take, for example, the iPhone flask. Nothing to see here, just a weirdly-shaped black plastic box covered in iPhone stickers that I’m drinking out of! No need to smell me, officer.

Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words


If you’re the kind of person to look over your shoulder and then very quietly say the n-word, you’ll love this book of “dirty words.” It might also be up your alley if you think having sex with children is a laugh riot! In fact, it spans the rainbow of shitheads, and has something for misogynists, homophobes, American xenophobes, and every other color of horrible person.

It’s one of the top-selling dictionaries online, just in case you’re wondering how many people across the globe decided they needed a comprehensive list of how to demean anyone who isn’t a heterosexual white man.

Bitcoin shirts


If you haven’t heard about Bitcoin, it’s the electronic “cryptocurrency” which is anonymous, decentralized, untraceable, and almost exclusively used to buy drugs online.

The people who have invested in Bitcoins by buying them anywhere from $1 to $250 each (depending on when they entered the pyramid scheme currency market) are eager to prove that they can exchange their imaginary loot for real goods. One of the only merchants who accepts Bitcoin is this Bitcoin shirt store, who, naturally, sells t-shirts that are about Bitcoin.

I’m not sure why someone would want to waste their anonymous drug money buying a t-shirt bragging that they’ve invested in a drug-money-based pyramid scheme, but then again, we were invented 6000 years ago by a magical sky-man who told us it’s okay to hit women and own slaves. Or a pool of methane was hit by lightning and took 500 million years to grow humans, who went on to invent reality television, Cocoa Puffs, and institutionalized poverty. Either way, it’s par for the course.

Fat Magnet


The Handy Gourmet FatMagnet claims to “magically” remove the fat from any liquid food if you use it to skim the surface of your soup or stew. As you might expect from a $8 gadget that claims to do something magic, it doesn’t work.

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