The product name for this dildo


The product name for this dildo is “Mr. Limpy.” It doesn’t have an official slogan, but if it did, it would be “Not fun for all ages.” (You’ll have to click through to see the picture, I’m not scared of a limp-on, but maybe you’re reading this on the bus.)

Dildos like this are sometimes used as “packers” by transgender men. The reason I wrote about this one in particular is because the manufacturer brands it as being a “gag gift” instead of something used for sexual identity.

Train your fish


There’s nothing inherently wrong with a training kit for fish. It’s just the loss of possibility in your life. If you sit down in front of your fish tank and spend hours training your fish to swim through hoops and bump an underwater ball into an underwater soccer goal, you are implicitly saying, “I am not capable of more than this. I hereby decline my life’s utility.”

When your friends come over and you show them your trained fish, they will congratulate you. But not for training the fish. They are congratulating you for learning about yourself something that I (and many others) have learned ourselves: we will never do anything important in our lives, we will never move humanity forward as a species or culture, so it’s best if we just stay out of the way of the people who are.

Anything cuts a banana


Pretty much anything cuts a banana, but a banana cutter exists, and this one has (at the time of this post) 421 customer reviews.

Everyone is good at different things, but today I learned that I am good at cutting bananas by myself. Maybe you are too. Think of all the things you do in your life that don’t require a special tool that’s also shaped like the task you’re attempting. We’re prodigies, you and me, cutting our bananas with nothing more than a butter knife, punching the microwave buttons with our human fingers, walking across the kitchen floor in nothing but socks.

Liquefied Bacon


Three jars of liquefied bacon shouldn’t cost $46, but I guess if you’ve got to buy something for the sort of person that wants to eat bacon grease, you probably don’t have a choice. This is your gift to them, this year.

The customer reviews included such comments as “I ate it out of the jar.” Of course you did, you wanted a fifteen dollar jar of bacon grease to begin with, it wasn’t like you were going to use it sparingly as a condiment. When you were finished you probably chomped a big stick of butter and thought “I’m a major foodie.”

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