The Worst Things For Sale

Teach your kids about tractors with “All About John Deere: For Kids: the Music.” If that’s not enough tractor-based musical education for them, there’s always “All About John Deere: For Kids: the Music 2.”

This is a spray you mist in your kitchen, to somehow make yourself want to eat less food. It sells for $39.99 a bottle. In the Stink Yourself Slim dreamworld, the brain is a magical organ that senses your desire to lose weight and un-hungries your flabby body when you spray a magic purple bottle. Unfortunately, the theory that a rank-smelling kitchen would stop anyone from snacking can easily be disproven by anyone who’s lived in a college dorm.

This uncomfortable-looking computer mouse has a numeric keypad built into the part you rest your hand on. Either you’re pressing the keys while you use the mouse, or you’re moving your mouse while you press the keys. This is possibly the worst computer peripheral since the dog-shaped flash drive that humps your USB port the whole time it’s plugged in.

Reiki is the name of a faux-medical scam that involves the practitioner touching your body with their hands, and then imagining that healing energy is coming through their hands into your body to heal it. (I’m not joking or exaggerating – that’s actually what Reiki is.) Since it’s alternative medicine, and therefore not able to be subjected to the scientific method, its practitioners can do whatever they want with their imaginary healing powers without being subject to regulation.

Bringing alt-medicine to the world of animals has to be lucrative, then, because unlike a human, a dog or rabbit won’t know you’re a lunatic when they see you approach them, adorned in crystals, crazy look in your eyes, murmuring, “I have healing energy in my hands.”

I’m not sure quite what this is supposed to mean, but this company has printed it on a “garden flag,” presumably to hang outside in your yard.

You may never have run across one of these, but the premise of a “recipe in a jar” is that someone sifts together dry ingredients for a recipe and gives it to you as a “gift.” Your duty, as the recipient, is to add milk, eggs, butter, and other perishable ingredients, and then cook it, and then clean up after yourself, and then, purportedly, eat the recipe of unknown origin. Adding to the mystery of this book in particular is the fact that it has a ton of 5-star reviews that just say “Love it!” and are not suspicious at all.

I will gladly eat almost anyone’s home cooking, but I will never, ever cook someone’s weird recipe they found somewhere and put in a fucking jar.

“Liquid Trust” is a tiny, expensive bottle of body spray that contains oxytocin, designed to make other people trust you when they smell you. It doesn’t work in this way, since oxytocin is not very volatile (i.e. it doesn’t go from liquid to gaseous phase and disperse in the air.) You won’t experience any effects from the oxytocin yourself, either, since it doesn’t readily absorb through skin and wouldn’t cross the blood-brain barrier even if it did.

If you’re looking for a way for people to like you and trust you more, I’d suggest you try to be less of an asshole.