The Worst Things For Sale

What house doesn’t need an almost-$500 taxidermied raccoon, immortalized in the act of eating Cracker Jacks? (The Cracker Jacks are included.)

Do you need a way to combine your hobby of riding an expensive bike with drinking expensive beer? Now you can do it in a more meaningful way than loading your gut up with Crazy John’s Double Dick India Pale Ale and cruising through a gentrified neighborhood on your fixie. The absurdly expensive Fyxation Bicycle Carrier lets you carry six bottles of beer on your bike, for whatever reason it occurs to you to do that.

(The same company makes a leather bike-holster for a bottle of wine, if you’re low-carbing.)

The Whistle Activity Monitor For Dogs is a bluetooth collar that pairs with your phone, allowing you to track your dog’s food intake and exercise habits. If you’ve been struggling to micro-manage your dog’s carefree, happy life of treats and running around the yard to sniff things, this is the e-dingle for you. Plug your dog’s stats into the app and hitch them to your hell-existence of daily data entry.

At least it’s not as expensive as the Tractive GPS Pet Tracker, whose apparent use is to enable you to let your dog wander around freely all day, coming back only at night for device syncing and data transfer.

The deli keyboard (or as the manufacturer calls it, “Cheese Meat Slices Knife Bread Keyboard”) is printed with a stock image of deli items, just in case you weren’t hungry enough at work. The same company sells ice cream and fruit keyboards, but between you and me, if I’ve gotta replace my regular keyboard with a food keyboard, I’m going with the Fried Chicken Drumstick Keyboard.

The Teddy Tank is a toy marketed to children which has a plastic fish-tank in the belly of a teddy bear. The manufacturer claims it’s “two toys in one,” but of course, you can’t do anything with the bear, since it’s full of water, and a fish is not a toy. This bad idea will invariably end with the death of a fish, some dirty fish-water on your carpet, and a crying child.

This is a “urethral faucet” which you insert into your penis and then spray urine out of. I can’t show you the “in use” photo on the manufacturer’s listing here, but it works like how you’d imagine.

The Tinkle Tube is a plastic tube which you give to a boy to “help” them urinate. Seems like a good way to make sure your kid can never piss without a plastic tube. Make sure you read the manufacturer’s instructions for use to grasp the full horror of this penis prop.