Why play with your cat?


Why spend the time and effort doing fun stuff with your cat like playing, when you could hook up the FroliCat BOLT laser toy and let it do all the hard work for you? After all, the fun part of supporting a furry shitmachine is taking it to the vet and cleaning up the hair it leaves everywhere. Not playing laser with it.

Halloween costumes for men


A couple entries back I wrote about some Halloween costumes for women, which uniformly tilted towards “sexy _____.” I’m pleased to tell you that as stupid as “sexy crayon” may be, there is a flip side to this male gaze, and that flip side is a humongous, dumb boner. For every sexy lady skeleton, there is a skeleboner.

If that’s too subtle for you, how about a humongous foam dong with “Rub me!” printed on the side? Or a snake charmer, and the snake is in your pants, and you’re grinning, because, get it? A snake? In my pants?

Not obvious enough? Why not dress as a man in normal clothes who also has a boner?

Still too subtle? Fine. Enormous foam penis. Good job, everyone, give yourselves a round of applause. Really great, spooky Halloween this year, good job with all the cocks and dicks, definitely a great way to prove to the third world that we deserve this standard of living. Slam a humongo light-beer and go piss in a bowl of food and throw the food away. You show ‘em.

Oven Smore Maker


The “S’More To Love” Smore Maker is a great way to turn a fun, seasonal activity into another sugary lump of food that Mom cooks while everyone else looks at the internet.

Why go outside and have a great inter-generational experience where everyone helps to build a fire, and then laughs when you burn your marshmallow again, when you could syringe-squirt your pre-measured glop into a specific cookware grid and plop it in the oven for an exact length of time? After all, life isn’t fun when it’s unpredictable and homemade, it’s fun when you spend money on cookware products and eat as conveniently as possible.

Halloween costumes for women


Halloween is two weeks out. Either you’ve been painstakingly planning your elaborate costume since June, or you’re the type who has to mail-order something at the very last minute so you don’t look like you’re not adequately displaying team spirit at work.

Why not go as Sexy Coca-Cola this year? Save yourself the trouble of adding any distinguishing features and slap on a teeny dress with a big Coke logo on it. Just the brand and your boobs and your butt. That’s how marketing works. How about Sexy Nerds (The Candy)? Wait, hold on, are all the women’s costumes this year just little dresses with brand logos? Sexy ketchup? Sexy Four Loko???

The worst of these halloween brand-dresses may be Sexy M&M. A regular M&M is something you could theoretically dress up as, because it’s a circle with an “m” on it, but a circle wouldn’t be sexy and could, I’m guessing, potentially let someone over a size 4 get into it. And that could hurt the brand. Marketing! Branding! We live in the hellscape our companies have created and when we eat their delicious candy to soothe the pain we’re not allowed to represent the brand. I’m crying, and eating Twix, and I will never be a Twix, never.

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