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Sexflesh

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The Sexflesh “Ride Me Transsexual” is a horrific, fleshy lump of plastic that’ll set you back $241. Rest assured that it’s not here for breaking the boundaries of gender. It’s here because it’s a dead body with dead eyes and a rigor-mortis penis and someone cut her legs off oh my god we have to call the cops we have to call the cops what are you

no

no please

no no no no what are you doing put your pants NO PLEASE NO NO NO WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO THOSE “THREE WAITING LOVE OPENINGS”

Discovery Kids Ice Cream Maker

tumblr_miupqsVe6H1rt7j2bo1_400The Discovery Kids Ice Cream Maker is, apparently, the worst ice-cream maker in the world. It’s made of plastic, which breaks as soon as the ice cream starts to freeze, and the liquid mix leaks out of the container. (The reviewers seem to unanimously agree that it’s worthless.)

It’s a shame, too, because kids can learn a lot from making their own consumables instead of just buying them at the store. Two years ago my daughter couldn’t even spell cigarette, and now she can roll them behind her back with one hand.



They laughed at me

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They laughed at me for wearing cargo pants, until they needed somewhere to put their lobsterphone. Now who’s laughing. Checkmate.

(I was unable to find this for sale anywhere, BTW, but you can’t say I didn’t try.)



Edge brownies

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Everyone likes the edge brownies. The caramelized crispness of the edges are a nice contrast to the soft, fudgy interior of the brownie. “But what,” your brain asks itself, in a quest for more serotonin, “what if every brownie was an edge brownie?”

Sure, you could buy this special pan for $35.99. Or you could just pour your brownie batter into muffin tins, which you already have, giving you more brownie-edge per unit of batter. (Muffin tins have a perimeter-to-area ratio of 1.6. This pan has a perimeter-to-area ratio of 0.55.)

Did I just change your brownie-baking life? Yes? Good, then we’re both ashamed, me for the brownie math, you for eating so many fucking brownies.

 







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