Adult Nude Female Playing Cards


Ah, Adult Nude Female Playing Cards. You’ll have to click through to see these (which you’ll want to do if you’re not at work.) Most of us have destroyed entire parts of our brain by watching free streaming HD porn and playing Grand Theft Auto whenever we want. For the few who still have functioning dopamine receptors, playing games with a deck of cards and looking at the 80’s-style lady pictures on them may be all you need to have a great day.

Customers who bought this item also bought Hot Girls Playing Cards, Nude Women Playing Cards, and Female Nude Playing Cards. OooOOOooooh, look at me, I don’t have anhedonia from years of watching GIFs of guys crunching glass jars with their buttholes, I’m so special, I can get a thrill from 2 boobs on a 9 of spades.



Obviously, there are better ways to rid your computer of viruses and spyware than this non-branded $99 software DVD. But do they have a picture of a woman biting a computer? No, they don’t.

New-agey heal-y energy


There are a billion new-agey heal-y energy things online, so I try to only pick the worst. I feel that “Pocket Crystal” deserves special attention. Not for its crystal powers, or lack thereof, but for the fact that the manufacturer claims that they don’t just send you any crystal, but instead, ask the crystals which one wants to be yours. I’m not kidding – read the description.



Even if running an electric current through your facial muscles caused them to grow or tighten (it doesn’t, not in any permanent or long-term manner) you’d still have wrinkles. Those happen in your skin, not your muscles, as it loses flexibility over the years.

Wrinkles are the body’s natural sign that you are getting good at fucking, so you probably shouldn’t try to iron them out in the first place.

Little Green Pouch


The “Little Green Pouch” is a 4-pack of six-ounce pouches. It costs $20, and it is labeled “Reusable food pouch.”

I have some reusable food pouches in my house right now, as a matter of fact, but they’re not these. They’re called Ziploc bags and they do not cost $5 each.

How many eggs


I don’t care how many eggs you eat a day. You just don’t need an Egg Genie. Everything in your kitchen can cook an egg. The stove, the microwave, the coffee maker, the toaster oven, probably the toaster.

If you can’t cook an egg with the appliances and accessories available in the regular American household, the problem lies within. Close your eyes… your internal life is in black and white. You’re always messing up the eggs. You drop the eggs. You shake your head. Maybe you do need this fucking egg tub.

This is a cute idea


This is a cute idea in theory. Sure, you can make your own cookie dough, or you can make your own fake cookie dough (without eggs) and then use it to craft intricate recipes. Wow, cookie-dough doughnuts! Cookie-dough pizza!

The problem is that if you like to sit around and eat cookie dough, you will not ever make a recipe. You have already established that cutting a plastic weiner of premade cookie dough onto any pan and then leaving the pan in the oven for twenty minutes is too much work for you.

In the interest of fairness, though, this might be a fun book to read while you’re squeezing two thousand calories of liquid fat and sugar into your face from a plastic tube.

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