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A $795 book

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Give the gift that really matters this Christmas. A $795 book entitled “The 2007-2012 World Outlook for Cottage Cheese, Farmers’ Cheese, Pot Cheese, and Bakers’ Cheese That Have Been Creamed in Same Plant from Purchased Curd”.

If that doesn’t do it for you, the author, Philip M. Parker, has over 106,000 other books for sale, on more or less every topic. Almost all of them were created by using a computer program to mine Wikipedia and other databases.

Just in case this doesn’t give you the chills, he wrote a bizarre, racist book with his human hands back in 2000, which suggests that living near the equator will naturally cause a culture to be lazy, stupid, and regressive.

Sea Salt

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Sea salt is the same as table salt. It’s sodium chloride. Inorganic.

Either “organic sea salt” isn’t sea salt, or it’s not organic. You can only pick one, guys.



Antlers and a red nose

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Go ahead, put antlers and a red nose on your car. It’ll be funny and fine the first day. The second day it’ll be like “Okay, haha, now stop.” The third, and forthcoming days, it’ll be depressing, as the December snow, wind, and rain fade the color from the cheap plush prostheses. They’ll get wet, they’ll sag, one antler will fall off as you’re on the highway, but you’ll press on, your car the automobile equivalent of a drunk mall Santa, somberly muttering “ho ho ho what do u want for xmas. tell santa. don’t cry. don’t.”

It’s not just

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It’s not just that a “Ghost Hunting Kit” is $99 of little plastic boxes that don’t do anything. Yes, “ghost hunting” is sad, and yes, if you are spending money on gadgets to hunt ghosts, you either need a hug or some mental healthcare.

The real issue I have with this is: when you finally hunt that ghost, what are you going to do with it? Eat it? No, you’re not gonna eat the ghost. You’re just hunting down the ghost so you can mess with it. Leave the damn ghost alone. If you believe in them you should also believe in letting them float around naturally, and not bothering them. Take only ghost photographs, leave only ghost footprints.



Belladonna Bitch Fist

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There’s nothing wrong with an adult toy. Maybe you wanna put the Belladonna Bitch Fist in your treasure-hole, or you want to put it in your b-hole, or you want to tie someone up and whack them on the back of the head with it. As long as you’re both willing, great, have fun, that’s what we’re here for. (Or rather, we are here for no reason at all, and we might as well have cool fucked-up sex before we start to rot.)

The reason this item is here is because it’s a pack of 4 Belladonna Bitch Fists. After a certain number, like, maybe, one, your return on investment has to drop off pretty sharply. There just aren’t that many more things you can do with 4 Bitch Fists than you can with one.



Magic: The Gathering

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I knew that people still played Magic: The Gathering, but I didn’t know that individual cards from the 1990s were worth a thousand dollars. I had that thousand-dollar joint up there along with this $295 one too. There are others I found that I’m pretty sure I had and are worth a ton, but I don’t remember because as soon as I turned 16 I sold them all for gas money.

Also if I had stayed in college I would definitely be a doctor by now.

I guess that’s why they invented bourbon and why I drink it.







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