The Worst Things For Sale

What’s worse than a poorly-written book on domestic violence thinly veiled as a romance novel? A parody of that book, written about the internet’s favorite food, bacon. One of the two authors describes himself as having a “passion for bacon.” We live in a world full of art, drama, music, prose, poetry, and animal videos, and your passion is bacon? Fucking bacon, the pork food? I want you to return all the oxygen you have ever breathed to the world, this instant.

“Never bring a knife to a gun fight,” the saying goes, presaging the invention of the Tactical Folding Knife, a fake gun with a 4.5″ blade.    

I’d seen this around for years and figured it was a joke, but no, it’s a real thing. It’s called the Ostrich Pillow, it’s $99.00 and it’s dry-clean only. 

The book “How To Rap” provides the answer to your question “How do I say words at the same time as a beat?” The answer is that you say words at the same time & you make them rhyme. You wouldn’t have figured that out from listening to rap, of course. The book is full of quotes from rappers that amount to “Sometimes I use things from my real life and sometimes I make things up.”

For those more willing to read a book than listen to rap and practice rapping, there is How To Rap 2. Which gives such amazing advice as “sometimes you can mix singing and rapping”, and “Grunt, laugh, and make miscellaneous sounds.” Somewhere, someone in the world is reading this book and thinking “Damn! I didn’t know I could grunt on a rap song! Finally, my rap career is going to take off!”

Regular toilet paper is white, meaning that it will match any color or combination of colors you use in your bathroom. But maybe you’re tired of seeing brown butt-dirt on that clean white paper, and you need a different color to offset what you didn’t digest. That’s an OK feeling to have, because feelings are natural. Just be prepared to pay a lot for a three-pack of your green toilet paper, and also for me to say your natural feelings are stupid.

Sorry. If you wanted to be a teacher or you wanted to learn to paint I’d tell you to go for it.

This black shell is actually a pencil. It’s a big chunk of graphite. You write with the sharp end of the shell.

It costs $57 and it doesn’t have wood on it to keep you from getting graphite on your hands. It’s also in the shape of a fucking shell. If you find that too practical, though, the manufacturer also offers a $57 “pencil” in the shape of an eagle’s head.

The PetZoom, a tray with a porous pad on top, lets your dog urinate inside of the house. It’s a great way to get your dog used to pissing inside the house. It holds up to a gallon of liquid, so it’s also a great way to keep a gallon of dog piss in a shallow tray on your floor.