The Worst Things For Sale

The FakeTV ($32) is a box you plug in when you’re on vacation, so it looks like someone’s home and watching television. It displays different flickering light patterns, so from outside, it looks like the television is on. (You can click through to see what the actual unit looks like, but I wanted to include the manufacturer’s illustration above for aesthetic reasons.)

The only way the FakeTV would look more realistic is if it also played some sound, that sounded like television sound. If only we could get something for our home that would make television sound and display pictures. Like… I don’t know… a television.

“Happy Habitat” is a great name for this cat tent. Anything named “Happy House” or “Happy Home” means it’s small and depressing, and the Happy Habitat does not disappoint. It’s a tent, which you put outdoors, and then you put your indoor cat into the tent.

The picture I used above is supplied by the manufacturer, by the way. A cat lady outside in the yard, with a mad cat in a tent walking around like he will never drink enough water to make enough urine to show you how he feels about the tent. I strongly recommend that you go past this tip of the iceberg and look at the 37 (YES, THIRTY-SEVEN) customer images available for the Happy Habitat Cat Detention Camp.

“The Young Man’s Guide To Female Management,” reads the subtitle of this book. “Female” is the favorite word of men’s-rights advocates, after all, because unlike “women” or “ladies”, it doesn’t imply that they are human.

The most curious thing about people who hold these appalling views on women – that they are all lazy, gold-diggers, greedy, manipulative, et cetera – is that they are still obsessed with “getting” and “keeping” women, as they would a car, or an action figure. If women must be managed, if they are this antisocial, this awful, why pursue them at all?

I can’t answer that question. Maybe there is no reasonable answer. Anyway, as you might expect, the reviews point out that it’s riddled with grammatical and spelling errors.

The MudJug Portable Spittoon is portable, because why have a spittoon if it’s not portable?

I wasn’t going to post about this, because I thought, “Well, better a spittoon than an old Mountain Dew bottle full of dip spit” but then I saw “Customers who bought this also bought” and it was full of confederate flags and I couldn’t resist.

Also, they have it in camouflage, because what good’s a spittoon if the enemy can see you? Ptuh.

Most of us are looking at about 78 years here on Big Blue & Green. Each second that ticks down, each GIF you scroll past, is sand through the hourglass. You will never get that back. Time, entropy, going off a diet, these things are all irreversible.

Given that we must make the best of the tiny amount of time we’re going to breathe air and eat food, is the best use of our lives to purchase and use a Spider Catcher? To relocate spiders from inside the house to the outside, without hurting them?

Or is this, the preservation of arguably non-conscious life that exists mainly to murder and eat insects, the true meaning of our lives?

I’ll let you ponder that. I’ve got bugs to squash and about 200 episodes of COPS that aren’t going to watch themselves.

This is a cute idea in theory. Sure, you can make your own cookie dough, or you can make your own fake cookie dough (without eggs) and then use it to craft intricate recipes. Wow, cookie-dough doughnuts! Cookie-dough pizza!

The problem is that if you like to sit around and eat cookie dough, you will not ever make a recipe. You have already established that cutting a plastic weiner of premade cookie dough onto any pan and then leaving the pan in the oven for twenty minutes is too much work for you.

In the interest of fairness, though, this might be a fun book to read while you’re squeezing two thousand calories of liquid fat and sugar into your face from a plastic tube.

I don’t care how many eggs you eat a day. You just don’t need an Egg Genie. Everything in your kitchen can cook an egg. The stove, the microwave, the coffee maker, the toaster oven, probably the toaster.

If you can’t cook an egg with the appliances and accessories available in the regular American household, the problem lies within. Close your eyes… your internal life is in black and white. You’re always messing up the eggs. You drop the eggs. You shake your head. Maybe you do need this fucking egg tub.