The Worst Things For Sale

This anatomical model is an “enema simulator”. Sure, nursing and medical students need to know how to do an enema. And the colon isn’t just a gross pooptube, it’s an important part of the human digestion system.

But it costs $570, which is an awful lot for a fake butt. Surely there are people who would let you do it for free, or even pay you to enemize them. If only we had some kind of global electronic network of ass freaks so we could find them.

Sometimes I’ll see a product and immediately know that someone thought of a title first, and then said “I could make a thing called that.” The book Pornogami is one of those products.

The origami in the upper-left is called “Breasts”, to give you an idea of how unsuccessful the execution of this idea turned out. You can flip through the preview of the book to see “Rope”, “Condom”, “Sperm”, “Penis” and “3-D Penis” if you don’t believe me, though.

The “Grilled Pizza Cone” is perfect for the person who likes pizza ingredients, but wants a way to make sure they don’t lose any of that orange pizza grease. The low-surface-area design means the ingredients won’t get browned. They’ll be bathed in that delicious orange grease.

The manufacturer describes these as “grilled pizza cones” so I guess you’re supposed to put them on the grill. But really, if you’re murdering the very idea of pizza this badly, anything goes. Start a trash fire in an oil drum and throw the pizza cones in there and then eat the trash. We live in trash world now, this is your dinner.

Yeeeeessss, good kitty. Get in your $339.95 Hell Stroller. It’s time… to take a waaaaalk.

This “exercise kit” is two plastic pads you stand on, and slide around on, on the carpet, to exercise. It’s $29.95, which is a great price for two flat pieces of plastic.

You need to read the manufacturer’s description of what kind of fitness you’ll get by sliding around on these plastic pieces. It’s a core workout, AND better than “any machine”, AND you can use it at the gym. Because that’s what you need after spending thirty bucks on eight cents of plastic. You need the people rolling around on those big red bouncy balls to look at you and think, “Wow, I am definitely not doing the worst and dumbest exercise in this building at this moment.”

Seriously, read what they claim these two pieces of plastic will do for your body.

I want coffee so bad I’m going to shoot you!!! Ha ha, no, just kidding, it’s just a gun mug, but if it was a real gun, everyone at this office would be dead, ha ha.

It’s a joke, why aren’t you laughing? Bang! Ha! Not a real gun, just a mug.

You might be looking at the product packaging for Bowser Beer, wondering “How is it beer if it’s non-alcoholic and contains no hops?” The answer is: It’s not beer at all, it’s just a mixture of barley, beef broth, and chicken. And at $16 for a six-pack, it’s more expensive than most actual beer.

The next time you want to give your dog a special treat, strap on a latex glove and express the hell out of his anal glands. It’s cheaper and the dog won’t wonder why you’re always chugging beef broth when you watch TV after work.