I have two thoughts on “magic kits” for kids.

1. Where did the ball go?

2. It was in my fucking hand.

This workout drink isn’t bad in itself. It’s full of branched-chain amino acids, which are used for building muscle, and has electrolytes to replenish the salt you lose in sweating. It’s too bad it’s called “XTEND”, which makes it sound like you’re buying watermelon penis powder.

Hey, this nickel is only five cents!  Maybe you should put that nickel in your pocket and use at the store for face value instead of listing it for sale online.

For the low price of $2012.00, you can have this obsidian healing orb. I don’t know why I didn’t buy one of these years ago. So much money for health insurance and doctor’s co-pays down the drain.

My main question here is who was manning the quality-control shift when this came through, and read the listing, and thought “Hmm, product features include repelling negative spirits? Okay, sounds legit to me.”

Product features also include “Chakras: All.” You know, so you can get rid of all those separate chakra orbs you’ve been keeping around.

Almost every dog already has a coat. It’s made of fur and it grows on the outside of their bodies. If your dog gets so cold when you take him outside that you’re thinking about buying him a $1,000 dog coat, maybe you should just leave him at home.

Thermite is a powdered mixture of iron oxide and aluminum which, once lit, burns at 4000 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s hot enough to destroy anything it’s sitting on, save for a few rare metals or special high-temperature ceramics. This makes thermite incredibly destructive.

So it’s great, then, that you can buy five pounds of powdered iron oxide for $13.50 and two pounds of powdered aluminum for $23.00, giving you seven pounds of fiery, destructive hellmetal. The only difficult part of the thermite reaction is getting it ignited, and of course, the same online mega-vendor sells long rolls of magnesium ribbon, which can be ignited with a cigarette lighter but burn hot enough to start a pile of thermite.

As a former chemist I feel compelled to note the energy output of the reaction as defined above (using 5 lb of iron (III) oxide as the limiting reactant) is equivalent to the kinetic energy of a 20-ton truck traveling at roughly 70 miles per hour.

Let me say, first, that I’m bald. Not balding, or going bald, it’s done. I’m bald as fuck. I don’t have male-pattern baldness, other men have me-pattern baldness.

You make a decision, when you first start going bald, whether or not you want to apply hair-regrowth chemicals to your head for the next forty years. I decided not to. At $40 for a three-month supply, I’ve saved $2400 since I started losing my hair, which is enough to buy a really fucked-up car.

So, young men, going bald, think about it… do you want to keep the hair on top of your head or do you want a car that’s a piece of shit? When you see me driving around town in my piece of shit car, ask yourself if you made the right decision.