Ah, Dude Wipes. The wetnap for men too dainty to use toilet paper or paper towels, but too self-conscious to buy a box of actual baby wipes. At $10 for 30 wet-wipes, that red-faced, ear-burning shame you feel when you grab a couple of pre-moists from a box with a baby on it had better be pretty strong.

Guess what, scared guy, we were all babies once, with poop on our balls, and the baby wipes worked fine. Swab your poopy balls with the baby box and move on with your life. Or do what I do after I take a monster D. Garden hose in the summer, old scarf in the winter.

Oh, those greedy doctors and scientists, making all that money off of the low-cost, harmless vaccines that have kept us free of smallpox, polio, measles, mumps, pertussis, hepatitis, rotavirus, rubella, influenza, chicken pox, shingles, and most recently, HPV. They’re just not respecting our human rights by not allowing us to contract horrifying diseases that disable and kill us and our children.

It’s much better to make money selling a bizarre lie to the public that vaccines are harmful, weakening the herd immunity we’ve spent sixty years to build in the first world, and causing children to suffer from diseases that are all but eradicated in 2012.

Here in the future, you can call yourself “pro-life” and carry a gun everywhere, and you can say you’re “defending human rights” by letting children die. If this isn’t proof that our species will stupid itself off the face of the planet, I don’t know what is.

You could buy $2 bars of soap that allow you to smoosh the previous bar into the next bar, or you could buy regular soap and accept that you won’t use the last 10% of the soap. Or you could buy regular soap and save the slivers and mush them together when you have like four of them.

Or you could compare the soap issue to the fact that a billion people worldwide don’t have clean drinking water, or that thousands of Haitians are still living in tents after the 2010 earthquake, or that North Koreans have so little food that they eat each other out of necessity. Look in the mirror, look yourself square in the eyes, and ask yourself why we have sacrificed our humanity for convenience.

I wish this were real, but I also don’t, so thankfully, or not, it’s not real. But I looked around really hard for it and now all my targeted advertising thinks I want hunting accessories & chips.

If you liked my post about “Crafting With Cat Hair” then I thought you might want to know that there’s a similar book about knitting with dog hair.

Seeing as you can purchase real human hair online, it’s only a matter of time until someone writes “Human Hair Handicrafts: 39 Creepy Nodules You Can Leave Around Your House.” But the demand will quickly outstrip the available supply, leading to one of those pickup-artist guys writing “HairTime: Guaranteed Strategies 2 Make A Woman Give U Her Hair.”

If you have a young kid, covering up your electrical outlets is a good idea, because you can’t explain stuff like electricity or death to them. They’re still trying to figure out ideas like eating when they’re hungry and the correlation between running headlong into something solid and falling down.

So it’s maybe the dumbest idea in the world to put plastic band-aids over electrical outlets. Kids love band-aids so much that they’ll pretend to be hurt just so you’ll put a band-aid on them. They’re going to be obsessed with the covers, and the outlets, and digging around in the outlets.

This is like Tumblring a big, racist, transphobic JPEG about how much you hate Homestuck and Ponies, and telling people not to call it stupid.

How about some bad Kindle erotica? With an MS Paint cover? Yes? Okay. It’s called Fornicating Freda, and here’s an excerpt.

Then she’d given Freda one of those looks, you know those special little looks that hint at something really interesting to come, some little secret not to be shared with anyone else, something really spicy. Well in this case that little something was just downright rude!

You can read more of this evocative, delicate writing in the free sample.