I know of a better way to make someone scream when they open the toilet lid and it starts with the letter “Whole Box Of Bran Flakes.”

There’s nothing inherently bad about a kilt fashioned as normal menswear. It’s just that you’re not going to buy one and wear it unless you’re the kind of guy who wants everyone to talk to him about his cargo kilt. Your creepy eyes flitting from face to face in the crowd, hoping to catch someone looking at your kilt, your practiced conversation points running on a loop through your head. “It’s a historical garment,” you say expertly, in your head, as no one talks to you. “It’s very comfortable,” you think to yourself.

Well, the advantages of a male human cutting off their testicles are clear and known by everyone, but WHAT ABOUT THE DISADVANTAGES??? Thankfully, with this text, Victor Cheney does us all the favor of explaining the downside of removing your only two holy balls you’ll ever get.

If you flip through the text, you’ll see that you might grow breasts and get osteoporosis. But it can also stop “morning meanness!” All these years I just thought I was tired in the morning before I drank coffee. Now I know it’s finally Mean Mr. Ballsack doing that to me.

“Ha, ha!” You laugh, holding the bottle of bacon-flavored coffee syrup, because you find the idea of bacon funny. Then, a knock at the door. It’s the irony enforcer. He pushes his way past you, and refuses to leave your house until you drink enough cups of coffee that you use up all your bacon syrup. You start to cry on your third cup, and you don’t stop for two weeks, and you don’t think bacon is funny anymore, you think it’s a fatty part of a gross animal and you hate it.

Treadmill desks are a great idea for people who don’t get enough exercise and need to do it while they work or look at the internet. I’m just not sure that a flat surface attached to legs is worth $479.00.

Why spend the time and effort doing fun stuff with your cat like playing, when you could hook up the FroliCat BOLT laser toy and let it do all the hard work for you? After all, the fun part of supporting a furry shitmachine is taking it to the vet and cleaning up the hair it leaves everywhere. Not playing laser with it.

A couple entries back I wrote about some Halloween costumes for women, which uniformly tilted towards “sexy _____.” I’m pleased to tell you that as stupid as “sexy crayon” may be, there is a flip side to this male gaze, and that flip side is a humongous, dumb boner. For every sexy lady skeleton, there is a skeleboner.

If that’s too subtle for you, how about a humongous foam dong with “Rub me!” printed on the side? Or a snake charmer, and the snake is in your pants, and you’re grinning, because, get it? A snake? In my pants?

Not obvious enough? Why not dress as a man in normal clothes who also has a boner?

Still too subtle? Fine. Enormous foam penis. Good job, everyone, give yourselves a round of applause. Really great, spooky Halloween this year, good job with all the cocks and dicks, definitely a great way to prove to the third world that we deserve this standard of living. Slam a humongo light-beer and go piss in a bowl of food and throw the food away. You show ‘em.