Monthly Archives: December 2012

Rockabye Baby


The “Rockabye Baby” series of CDs is a great way to hate your favorite artist by spending money on a MIDIfied version of their greatest hits. The company who puts out these discs has bastardized the work of Nine Inch Nails, The Cure, The Smiths, The Flaming Lips, and about twenty other artists (click thru to see the full list.)

You can play classical or instrumental music for your child. You can play an actual Smiths album for your child. You can eschew recorded music altogether and sing and play music with your child. But playing them fucked-up MIDI versions of what you liked in college just proves that you don’t actually like music, or your child, at all.

Since it’s probably illegal


Since it’s probably illegal to just sell a magic spell itself, the people at Angelical Whispers have put together a “Love Spell Kit.”

If it’s not love you need, but protection from energy vampires, why not try Angelical Whispers Total Protection Oil? According to the description, it gives you all the protection from energy vampirism you’ll need. And the lone reviewer, named Cat The Shewolf, recommends it highly for use against psychic attacks.

Anal Ring Toss


You’ll have to click through to see the picture of this product. (Sorry, but it’s called Naughty Anal Ring Toss, and maybe you’re at your grandma’s house, and she’s watching you look at the internet, and she loves the GIFs but a picture of a guy with a ring toss thing in his butt will fuck up her lungs or something.)

My main complaint here is that it’s called “Naughty Anal Ring Toss.” It’s not naughty, it’s a sex game with a thing you have to put up your butt to play. It would be “naughty” if you had to eat all the cookies in the cookie jar before you played. Just call it Anal Ring Toss. Nobody’s going to be buying Anal Ring Toss thinking it’s for kids.

Phillip B’s shampoo


The active ingredient in Philip B’s “Russian Imperial Amber Shampoo”, which retails at $72.95 for a twelve-ounce jar, is sodium laureth sulfate. That’s the same active ingredient in almost every other shampoo, most of which sell for three or five bucks at the drugstore.

Also, it refers to itself as “Opulent & Rejuvenating”, which is how you might describe a white-gloved butler giving you CPR.

Social media


Tired of using social networks to communicate your actual thoughts and feelings? Then you’ll love “Lines For All Occasions: Tweets & Status Updates.” It’s a small book with hundreds of pre-written bon mots, witticisms, and, I’m guessing, ways to change your profile picture to indicate you hate war and cancer.

14-karat Slinky


The 14-karat gold-plated Slinky is a great way to spend $108 of your hard-earned money in a way that will make you mad. Either you won’t be able to play with it, or the son of a bitch is going to get a kink in it immediately, and you’ll have to sit there and stare at your janked-ass gold Slinky for the rest of your life. You can throw away a five-dollar Slinky and forget about it instantly, but you’ll refuse to chuck this expensive, fucked-up spring.

They’ll throw it on top of your coffin before they start shoveling in the dirt, and your headstone will read CARRIED A BENT-UP SLINKY AROUND FOR LIKE 50 YEARS BECAUSE IT WAS GOLD.

A $795 book


Give the gift that really matters this Christmas. A $795 book entitled “The 2007-2012 World Outlook for Cottage Cheese, Farmers’ Cheese, Pot Cheese, and Bakers’ Cheese That Have Been Creamed in Same Plant from Purchased Curd”.

If that doesn’t do it for you, the author, Philip M. Parker, has over 106,000 other books for sale, on more or less every topic. Almost all of them were created by using a computer program to mine Wikipedia and other databases.

Just in case this doesn’t give you the chills, he wrote a bizarre, racist book with his human hands back in 2000, which suggests that living near the equator will naturally cause a culture to be lazy, stupid, and regressive.

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