Now, you can have the artificial barfy watermelon from Jolly Ranchers belched through your house in clouds of sooty smoke. But that’s not all. No, if you click through to the product description, it says it’s frequently bought with… well, I’ll let you see.

If you’re banking on society ending on December 21 like some people said the Mayans said, now’s the time to order your Survival Pallet of Chicken. It’s ninety-eight pounds of chicken for $6,720, so I suppose you’re mostly paying for the cans. But it’s going to be great to get some protein in between when you hide in the dark basement and when someone kills you for your canned chicken.

The manufacturer also offers a pallet of ground beef and a pallet of pork, but my money’s on the chicken. I mean, it’s not actually on it, because I’m not stupid and I don’t think the world’s going to end this month.

The BabyPlus Prenatal Education System is a speaker, intended for a pregnant woman to hold up to her uterus from the outside, ghetto-blasting her unborn baby with two hours of sound a day. Not only is $131 a bit much for a speaker attached to a nylon gut-strap, but the myriad reviews left by unsatisfied parents say that it damaged their child’s hearing, affected their child’s sleep pattern, was louder than designed… and… guess what… broke immediately.

So it remains my opinion that if you want to have a genius baby, the best way is for her father to gently rap-whisper into her mother’s swollen baby chamber. “One, two, three and to the four,” I would murmur. “Snoop Doggy Dad and Dr. Mom is at the door.”

Nothing seems more depressing than standing outside with your tiny, $97 electric grill hooked up to an extension cord, watching it slowly, smokelessly, joylessly heat your meat.

Except, perhaps, setting it up inside on its little stand in the middle of your kitchen in December, doing the same. It is, after all, “indoor/outdoor.”

Is there anything funnier than taking an adult idea like HTML and giving it to a baby in a format called “HTML For Babies”?

Yes. As a matter of fact, everything is funnier and more interesting than that.

Come sit down on Santa’s face and tell me what you want for Christmas!

You might think that “Boyfriend Pillow”, a pillow with a built-in fake arm to make you feel like you’re being hugged, is depressing.

Well, it is, but what’s more depressing is that it is probably better than a good portion of human boyfriends that exist in the world. At least this pillow won’t jizz on you twenty seconds after you touch it and then get out of bed to play Diablo III.