Monthly Archives: December 2012

Banking on the end of society

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If you’re banking on society ending on December 21 like some people said the Mayans said, now’s the time to order your Survival Pallet of Chicken. It’s ninety-eight pounds of chicken for $6,720, so I suppose you’re mostly paying for the cans. But it’s going to be great to get some protein in between when you hide in the dark basement and when someone kills you for your canned chicken.

The manufacturer also offers a pallet of ground beef and a pallet of pork, but my money’s on the chicken. I mean, it’s not actually on it, because I’m not stupid and I don’t think the world’s going to end this month.

BabyPlus Prenatal Education System

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The BabyPlus Prenatal Education System is a speaker, intended for a pregnant woman to hold up to her uterus from the outside, ghetto-blasting her unborn baby with two hours of sound a day. Not only is $131 a bit much for a speaker attached to a nylon gut-strap, but the myriad reviews left by unsatisfied parents say that it damaged their child’s hearing, affected their child’s sleep pattern, was louder than designed… and… guess what… broke immediately.

So it remains my opinion that if you want to have a genius baby, the best way is for her father to gently rap-whisper into her mother’s swollen baby chamber. “One, two, three and to the four,” I would murmur. “Snoop Doggy Dad and Dr. Mom is at the door.”

Nothing more depressing

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Nothing seems more depressing than standing outside with your tiny, $97 electric grill hooked up to an extension cord, watching it slowly, smokelessly, joylessly heat your meat.

Except, perhaps, setting it up inside on its little stand in the middle of your kitchen in December, doing the same. It is, after all, “indoor/outdoor.”






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.