The fashion designer leapt onto the conference table, brandishing a plastic butter knife. “CAW!” he shouted, the plastic wings on his back rustling. “Caw, caw! FashionWings(TM) are trademarked! TRADEMARKED! CAW! So nobody BETTER not EVER take my brand name! CAW, CAW!”

With that, he threw a chair through the seventeenth-story window, and leapt out.

This “Back To Back World War Champs” hat is kinda funny. Not for the fact that the United States “won” a war that killed a half-million of its own citizens (worldwide fatalities of both World Wars combined are around 80-100 million people.) But because it’s cool to think of the Chicago Bulls, for example, winning a couple of championships and then going into Afghanistan cause they heard they were starting a basketball team.

According to the manufacturers (read their crazy-ass description) if you drink out of this water bottle, you’ll prevent and cure cancer. As well as depression, constipation, and a whole list of maladies. The single customer review says “Their claims seem legitimate.”

Yeah, claiming to cure cancer is definitely a legitimate claim, that’s never a scam.

If you weren’t paying attention to the news in 2008, you might not have noticed that Zimbabwe’s currency went through a period of hyper-inflation as Robert Mugabe’s unspeakably-corrupt government printed more and more money to keep itself running. Part of the way they maintained value in these bills were to sell them overseas to currency collectors. This hun-trill-dollar-bill looks neat and it’s only $1.44, but it indirectly funded Mugabe’s tyrannical reign in which he seized private equity, persecuted the poor, openly murdered and abused protestors, bombed the offices of national media reporting on his corruption, and dozens of other crimes against humanity.

The number on that dollar bill is really high though!

Instead of setting your beer on a table, the ground, or just about anything else, why not wear a 6-pound belt buckle that turns you into a table? (Make sure you click thru to see the manufacturer’s other picture: a man attempting to look cool as he wears a beer like a codpiece.)

Prostate cancer is serious. So is benign prostate hyperplasia, and a bunch of other prostate-related afflictions. I couldn’t find this exact model online, but I was surprised to find that there are multiple manufacturers of prostate simulators, this one being the most graphic, and most expensive, at $900.

Doctors treating diseases to make our lives better and longer isn’t why this item is here, though. It’s here because somewhere, someone has ordered a $900 prostate simulator just so they could fuck it. That’s what we do. We’re born, we go through school, we work, we save our money, and some of us, as a species, buy expensive medical tools and fuck them.