Monthly Archives: July 2013

Morgellons: Level 5 Plague


If there’s anyone you should take medical advice from, it’s a man who calls himself “Commander X.” He’s one of the authors of Morgellons: Level 5 Plague Of The New World Order. The CDC has classified Morgellons as a type of delusional parasitosis, but don’t let that keep you from making money by spreading the insane fear that colored fibers are growing out of your skin because of the government, Commander.

Dog DNA Test Kit


This DNA testing kit for dogs ($65) lets you send in a cheek swab from your dog to let you know what you should be doing to “make him happier and healthier.” Here, let me save you the money: Give him dog food and let him shit outside.

Bake A Bone


The Bake A Bone claims to be the original dog treat maker, but that’s just not true. The original dog treat is anything that fits in a dog’s mouth, and I’m pretty sure that predates human civilization.

Motorized Ice Cream Cone


Why waste those precious calories moving your hand and mouth around when you could hold this motorized ice cream cone up to your stupid face and smoosh the ice cream into it automatically? After all, if there’s one thing we need in the year 2013, it’s all the calories we can get.

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