Monthly Archives: December 2013

Crack For Stay-At-Home People


Amazon Prime, the $79-a-year service by Amazon that gives you free 2-day shipping on almost everything on their site, is now offering 30-day free trials. That sounds great, but it’s just a way to trick you into staying home even more than you do now. I live less than a mile from the grocery and I order food on Amazon Prime.

If a person buying food from a bookstore doesn’t convince you that this service is truly maleficent: they let anyone with an Amazon Prime membership watch basically any TV show, streaming, for free.

There’s also the small issue of the drones they’re going to start using in 2015, but I’ve already written about that.

Nude Yoga, Nude House-Cleaning, Et Al.


It’s reassuring to know that in our modern hell-world, where we can stream giga-hardcore videos of men and women brutalizing themselves in all holes, you can still get softcore porn. (The cover is blurred here for what I hope are obvious reasons. You can see the uncensored Zen Garden Nipples on the product page.)

The highlight of Pure Nude Yoga: Zen Garden Goddess is the reviews. It’s accumulated ninety of them as of right now, and include such gems as “I bought this mainly because I’m into staring at naked girls and sort of was interested in trying yoga.” Another notes that “toward the end, [she was] looking distinctly sunburned.”

For those who aren’t satisfied with this toe into the pool of creepvids, there is Totally Nude Balance Ball Workout, and Nude House Cleaning Top To Bottom. If I have to pick a highlight, it’s a man who calls himself Chuck Steak, who one-stars “House Cleaning” and then comes back to his own review, four months later, to say “I haven’t watched this since the initial viewing.” Keep us updated, Chuck.

Finger Spoons


Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it be harder to try to keep a plastic spoon stuck on the end of your finger, and eat with a fingertip-spoon, than to use a regular plastic spoon? And aren’t plastic spoons cheaper than $16.89 for a four-pack?

Grand Theft Auto Map


This seller has a poster-sized GTA V map, and is preying off the poor people who haven’t yet figured out that the game shows you the map when you hit pause. Just pause the game! You can put a GPS on there too, guys! Also, you can’t walk up a hill without stumbling backwards and then sliding down the hill on your face! Sorry, spoiler alert, I know. 

Morgellons Clearing


This album, entitled “Morgellons Clearing,” bearing a cover art (above) of a sky full of chemtrails, is purportedly an album which will remove your Morgellons, should you listen to the whole thing. Each track is fifteen solid minutes of a single tone. If you can make it past five seconds the first one (warning, it’s loud) I don’t blame the Morgellons for leaving your body. (The entire “album” is over two and a half hours long.)

Lest you think that Morgellons Clearing is Jayme Hunt’s only masterpiece, Sinusitis Sinus Pain is 57 minutes of hell, a piercing tone somewhere above 10,000 Hz which set off my very real tinnitus after a few seconds of playing through my computer speakers. Thankfully, Restless Leg Syndrome Relief is pitched lower, and somewhat forgiving, at only twenty minutes long.

And if you’re worried about those chemtrails up there in the picture, J-Hunt has just the salve for your chemtrail-induced fatigue. A hundred and five minutes of “Chemtrails Clearing”, tracks one through seven.

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