Monthly Archives: December 2013

Urgh: A Zombie Memoir


I didn’t think the zombie trend could get any dumber, but it’s happened. “Urrgh: A Zombie Memoir” is written in “zombish,” which the authors seem to imply is the language of zombies. You can read the first few pages online, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Orbeez Ladybug Scooper


The Orbeez Laybug Scooper goes around your house, like a Roomba, and picks up Orbeez, which are little plastic balls that soak up water. Well, it does this in theory. In reality, Orbeez are fucking wet, and they stick to everything, and this toy does not pick them up. They are hard to sweep up, gum up vacuums, and maddening to pick up one-by-one. They grow mold if they don’t dry out fast enough.

For a true vision of horror, though, click through to the product page and watch the video (I can’t embed it here.) The video starts with two tweens gleefully chucking handfuls of Orbeez around the house, and goes downhill from there. 

Bluetooth Fork


This fork, the kind of fork you eat with, connects to your computer via Bluetooth. You eat all of your food with the fork, and it measures how you ate with the fork. Of course, for this to actually work, you’d have to take your gigantic Bluetooth fork everywhere you go, and eat all your food with it. The lone customer review suggests that it doesn’t really work, though, and when contacted, the company told the user that they were “eating wrong.”

I view this as a companion piece to the internet-enabled scale I wrote about last year. Broadcast your weight-shame to the internet and then have your bluetooth fork vibrate your skull when it determines you are eating too fast. It’s the future of weight-loss, and that’s why none of us are overweight anymore, in 2013.

Bad Ass Socks


The arrows point at the wearer’s ass. “BAD ASS,” these socks say. They would match with a shirt that says “TERRIBLE ASS. JUST A SHAME OF AN ASS” with an arrow pointing down the back. 

Ipad Chair For Newborns


Just in case you weren’t disgusted enough by the iPad potty for toddlers, Fisher-Price has come out with the “Ipad Apptivity Seat”, which it explicitly says is for newborns. Slap your day-old human into this thing and start feeding him apps and videos before he even gets a chance to experience unmediated human interaction. I’m sure there’s absolutely no downside to that.

If you think I’m exaggerating, check out the gallery of images that the manufacturer has provided to show that, yes, it’s really for tiny babies to be strapped into and Ludovico’ed.

The Past Lives Of Children


“Children’s Past Lives: How Past Life Memories Affect Your Child” is 371 pages long. One page would have sufficed, and it would have said “they don’t.”

The proof the author gives is that her own son described his own past-life death on a Civil War battlefield, which was “authenticated by an expert historian.” To me, this just says that the author let her son watch the History Channel before it turned into the Trash People Digging Through Trash Channel.

What happens when a doctor trips balls for 15 years


What happens when an intelligent, educated man takes high doses of psychedelics for fifteen straight years? Let’s start with “Two Human Species Exist: Their Hybrids Are Dyslexics, Homosexuals, Pedophiles, and Schizophrenics,” because then you’ll immediately understand why I was interested in Bruce Eldine Morton, Ph.D. This is clearly a nutcase book, and its premise, which is that left-brained and right-brained people are two separate human species, doesn’t even need to be specifically discredited. Research within the past few years has shown there is no “handedness” in brains, and that simple correlations of artistic or logical behavior with a particular side of the brain are not possible.

Dr. Bruce earned his Ph.D. in 1965, and completed his postdoctoral work at MIT and Harvard later in the 1960s. He worked professionally at several universities until his retirement in 1995. He clearly had his shit together, to some degree, to be able to do this. It wasn’t until I found his 2013 book “Psychedelic Visions From The Teacher” that I figured out how he came to the conclusion that homosexuals are from right-brained men having children with left-brained women: He tripped balls for 15 years straight. The description of the book describes how he “used psychedelic compounds to explore inner space” for fifteen years, which is also just about exactly the time period between when he retired and when he published this latest book.

It’s true that psychedelic experiences can give you a new perspective on life. But it’s also true that heavy use of serotonin receptor agonists, a class of drugs that encompasses nearly every known psychedelic compound, can permanently alter or diminish the brain’s cognitive ability. It’s not hard to imagine that fifteen years of constant use of illegal mental-powder has at least some chance of wrecking your ability to live in reality.

Or, as Dr. Bruce would put it, “Neuroreality: A Scientific Religion To Restore Meaning, Or How 7 Brain Elements Create 7 Minds And 7 Realities, Discoverer Of Triadism, Familial Polarity Galactic Big Bang Engines And The xDARP”, which also happens to be the title of his 2011 book.

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