I never wanted to masturbate to an old man chopping through ice with an ax until this stupid book told me not to. Go to hell, Graham Johnson and Rob Hibbert, for trying to crank-shame me with pictures of rubber dishwashing gloves and other JPEGs you found on the internet.

“Understand Rap” is a book that uses an academic tone to “explain” hip-hop lyrics in a patronizing way. If you enjoy the undermining of a cultural artform in a classist way, though, this book is for you.

The Pet Umbrella is an upside-down umbrella that keeps your dog dry while you walk. “That makes sense,” you say, until I point out that it was Frequently Bought With Snuggie For Dogs.

Snuggie For Dogs.

Finally, you can wear a great lunch food on your head with Hot Dog Hat, the $6.95 accessory of your dreams. If that’s not quite doing it for you, try Hamburger Hat or Pizza Hat, by the same manufacturer.

For less than $40, you can crush your penis AND OR your testicles in the “Master Series Penis And Testicle Crusher.” It’s made of clear plastic so you can see your organs silently, painfully agonize as you abuse them.

The manufacturers can’t call it a Facebook oven mitt, because that would violate copyright, but they accurately predicted that an oven mitt shaped like the Facebook “Like” icon would be popular. It’s one of the better-selling oven mitts, which, in a world where you can have an oven mitt shaped like a lobster claw for half the price, is a travesty.

You might see this and think that someone made a beer case into a cowboy as a novelty, once, for fun, as a craft. But you’d be wrong. There are dozens of them, in all the possible brands and shapes.