Monthly Archives: June 2014

Gorgeous Pen Pals

penpals-asia

I’ve been waiting for all my life for a man to write a book about Asian women as if they’re objects, and finally, it’s happened. In his quest to be thorough, Colbert Bellevue breaks down the different ethnicities of Asian women, letting you know the most efficient way to trick each of them into coming to America and marrying your weird, old self. Oops, I mean “get pen pals.”

I’m wondering if this whole idea of buying a foreign bride really worked out for Colbert, though, considering he wrote a cautionary guide about getting kidnapped in the Phillipines. Hey, you wouldn’t want to get forced into living somewhere you don’t want while you’re in the Phillipines using your Western wealth to force an Asian woman to live in your American house, would you?



Objects In Mirror Are Zombies

objects-in-mirror

I get that this sticker is a reference to zombie shows on TV, but then again, I don’t get what it’s getting at. Same with the “Support Zombies” magnetic ribbon. You like zombies, or you don’t, or you’re scared of them, or you fight them?

I guess in a world where children work in third-world factories to make novelties that we bury in the ground when we tire of them, nothing makes sense, and this is just par for the course.

Shakespeare’s Star Wars

shakespeare-star-wars

The author of this book has combined two of my least favorite things with “William Shakespeare’s Star Wars.” It may be that you look at this and your pulse speeds up, your mouth dries out, and you whisper “Damn Gina, this is some epic win.” For you, there are two sequels, “The Empire Striketh Back” and “The Jedi Doth Return.” Read them while you eat your shrimp covered in glitter, or while you wear tighty-whiteys emblazoned with the Dave Matthews Band logo, or any other two things I don’t like, put together.



How To Kill Pregnant Women

born-in-zion

“Born in Zion” is a book by a fundamentalist woman, Carol Balizet, who insists that pregnant women should refuse all medical intervention during the birth of their child. Unsurprisingly, this has directly caused the deaths of several pregnant women, as well as their babies.

The logic doesn’t exactly work, either. If God really wants you to die, he would make that clear by having you die in a hospital, under the treatment and supervision of a team of doctors and nurses. Anyone can die by bleeding out in a kiddie pool in their living room, if they refuse to call an ambulance. That’s not God’s will, that’s you catching a fatal case of being a weird idiot.



Rubber Penis Piss Sheath

penis-piss-sheath

I pixellated this for obvious reasons, but the uncensored image is right there on the listing. It is what it says in the title – a rubber sheath that fits over your penis, with a tube on it that you can urinate through. Taken by itself, it’s not particularly awful, until you read the review where a guy tried to make his own with a drinking straw and got a penis infection. Don’t read that casually, by the way. Make sure it’s something you actually want to read.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.