Monthly Archives: June 2014

Gas-Powered Blender


It’s good to know that in this age of energy-consciousness and growing awareness of climate change and air pollution, you can still purchase a $300+ gas-powered blender. There’s even a knock-off called The Daquiri Whacker, which, improbably, seems an order of magnitude less safe than the Tailgator.

Ice Hoax: “The Hidden Messages In Water”


“The Hidden Messages In Water” is written by Masaru Emoto, a man who insists that water crystallizes differently based on the “energies” that surround it. He claims (fraudulently, of course) that if you mentally project fear or other negative emotions onto a test-tube of water, it will freeze into a grey lump rather than into an elegant crystalline snowflake. His title of “Dr.” comes from a certificate of “Doctor In Alternative Medicine from Open International University,” which is exactly as legitimate as it sounds.

The sequel, “The Shape Of Love”, insists that humans can predict future events by looking at ice crystals under a microscope, divining their shape to find such specific prophecies as “despair” or “hope.” You can tell it’s real because he used a microscope, and they don’t let just anyone have one of those.

Gorgeous Pen Pals


I’ve been waiting for all my life for a man to write a book about Asian women as if they’re objects, and finally, it’s happened. In his quest to be thorough, Colbert Bellevue breaks down the different ethnicities of Asian women, letting you know the most efficient way to trick each of them into coming to America and marrying your weird, old self. Oops, I mean “get pen pals.”

I’m wondering if this whole idea of buying a foreign bride really worked out for Colbert, though, considering he wrote a cautionary guide about getting kidnapped in the Phillipines. Hey, you wouldn’t want to get forced into living somewhere you don’t want while you’re in the Phillipines using your Western wealth to force an Asian woman to live in your American house, would you?

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