Monthly Archives: June 2014

Flick Yourself Off


Make your cheap, naturally-invigorating drink a source of hostility! Try bringing this “middle finger mug” to work so you can flip yourself the bird while you’re trying to swallow enough caffeine to drag yourself through your soul-crushing daily routine. If you can’t stop the entire rest of the world from giving you the finger on a near-constant basis, I guess you can join them by flicking yourself off, to prove you’re one of them. Hey, look, I agree with you! I hate me too!

Gas-Powered Blender


It’s good to know that in this age of energy-consciousness and growing awareness of climate change and air pollution, you can still purchase a $300+ gas-powered blender. There’s even a knock-off called The Daquiri Whacker, which, improbably, seems an order of magnitude less safe than the Tailgator.

Ice Hoax: “The Hidden Messages In Water”


“The Hidden Messages In Water” is written by Masaru Emoto, a man who insists that water crystallizes differently based on the “energies” that surround it. He claims (fraudulently, of course) that if you mentally project fear or other negative emotions onto a test-tube of water, it will freeze into a grey lump rather than into an elegant crystalline snowflake. His title of “Dr.” comes from a certificate of “Doctor In Alternative Medicine from Open International University,” which is exactly as legitimate as it sounds.

The sequel, “The Shape Of Love”, insists that humans can predict future events by looking at ice crystals under a microscope, divining their shape to find such specific prophecies as “despair” or “hope.” You can tell it’s real because he used a microscope, and they don’t let just anyone have one of those.

Shoulder Fanny-Pack


The “Hands Free Carry-All” combines the high fashion of the fanny pack with the elegance of the Miss America sash. Crown yourself king or queen of Keeping Your Snacks On Your Shirt with this $45 piece of shit.

If you’ve absolutely gotta fanny-pack around town, go for the nine-buck american flag special instead. You’ll have enough money to buy a pair of aviators with a see-through american flag on each of the lenses.

Gorgeous Pen Pals


I’ve been waiting for all my life for a man to write a book about Asian women as if they’re objects, and finally, it’s happened. In his quest to be thorough, Colbert Bellevue breaks down the different ethnicities of Asian women, letting you know the most efficient way to trick each of them into coming to America and marrying your weird, old self. Oops, I mean “get pen pals.”

I’m wondering if this whole idea of buying a foreign bride really worked out for Colbert, though, considering he wrote a cautionary guide about getting kidnapped in the Phillipines. Hey, you wouldn’t want to get forced into living somewhere you don’t want while you’re in the Phillipines using your Western wealth to force an Asian woman to live in your American house, would you?

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