Despite the fact that “conversion therapy” has been debunked as a scam, Joseph & Linda Nicolosi have penned a book which includes testimonials from “ex-homosexuals” on how to make sure your kids don’t grow up gay, and how to make them un-gay if they turn out that way. You can probably imagine how gross and backwards the whole thing is, but if you’re not familiar with how crazy people can get when a man wants to kiss another man, check out the “Look Inside” to see the actual insane words that are still in print.

The TaskOne G3 Pro is a $99.95 case for your iPhone 5 that has 22 different tools built into it. Now, you can use your delicate aluminum-and-glass pocket computer to saw through branches, or (there’s a picture of this on the product page) shove your iPhone face-down directly onto a hot engine block while you tighten some kind of car bullshit. Nothing good will come of making sure your iPhone is attached to your clumsy, iPhone-shaped multitool.

From the author of HTML For Babies comes the sequel, Web Design For Babies. Your baby probably won’t understand this book, but on the off chance that he does, the sheer weight of the world’s mediocrity will crush his spirit before he’s old enough to walk. There is no joy in Web Design For Babies.

This ant farm has collected some mixed reviews, but none are so sad as the tragic tale one man tells of the lonely ant wandering the wreckage of Uncle Milton’s Ant Farm.

This fake brown paper bag, at $19, is roughly 100 times more expensive than an actual brown paper bag. (A paper bag is also reusable, if you can handle taking it back home instead of throwing it away at work.)

Do you love the inconvenience of a won’t-turn-on-and-keeps-turning-off public bathroom faucet, and wish you could extend this affront to your home life? I’ve got a special $48 something for you, horrible faucet-lover.

Talk to them like they’re people, and take them to dinner? Haha, no, my friend, you’re going to need a 192-page eBook with the specific process I’ve spent years researching.