You want to fick Rihanna? Or you want to fack Rihanna? What the hell does any of that mean? I can’t tell what it says with the asterisk in there messing up the letters.

Grumpy Cat, the cat named “Tard” (short for “retarded”, later changed to “Tardar Sauce” when people complained she was named Tard) now has her own movie. It’s hard to find anything else that simultaneously makes fun of developmentally-disabled humans while treating a real alive animal like it’s a toy, so this is a unique piece of corn in the turd. While I’m not happy about someone shooting Tard with a crossbow at a “book signing” (how does a cat sign books?) it’s good, at least, that Grumpy Cat is no longer subjected to being toted around to events and handled by hundreds of weird strangers. RIP.

Unless you’re in Wonderland or Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, there is no way you’ll grow in height as an adult by taking a pill. You can have your arms and legs surgically lengthened, or have a hormonal disorder like acromegaly, but once the growth plates close in your long bones, you can’t intentionally increase your height.

Regardless, that doesn’t stop customers from claiming that they grew after taking these pills.

This light-up car sticker reacts to the volume of your stereo. It’s a great way to tell the other drivers that the pounding bass tones of Darude’s “Sandstorm” are coming from your Fiat.

On second thought, they probably already knew.

This short novel (which runs all of 11 pages, most of which can be read in the “Look Inside” link) is pretty clearly explained in its title. But you can’t beat the description, which contains the text “WARNING: … a horny gay poltergeist.”

If that doesn’t get you supernaturalled out, try “How To Turn A Wolf Gay,” by the same author. Or if you think a werewolf willingly being turned gay is too unbelievable, then you could get “Made To Submit (Reluctant Gay Werewolf BDSM).”

Then again, you might be thinking “that’s not specific enough of an adult novel, because everything I read these days has a straight BDSM werewolf who is reluctant to turn gay.” Who’d blame you? That’s probably why there’s “Reluctant Gay Werewolf Catshifter BDSM”, for those who prefer catshifter in their reluctant gay werewolf stories.

One of the most popular coffeemakers in America is being recalled because it makes coffee so hot it’ll burn the shit out of you. (It doesn’t help that single-serving coffee pods are an insane waste of energy and resources, either.)

This is apparently some kind of racist gamer mug, according to the title, but I can’t see the logo because they turned it away from the camera. That’s some good marketing.