You might look at the cover of Empress Theresa, a 400-page novel featuring a dead-eyed high-school drawing of an army woman, and think you know what you’re getting yourself into. Nope, you’d have to read the author’s insane, lengthy rebuttal to a negative review of his book to truly understand the insanity that Norman Boutin is capable of.

If you fuck up Christmas and you have to get someone a gift card, so be it. Just don’t try to fool them with this gift card that comes in its own pretty little box.

You get this thing and you’re like “oh cool, probably a ring” or “wow probably a small and really sharp knife.” NO. Fifty bucks. But at least it’s not as depressing as this:

You marry someone and you live with them for 25 fucking years, the same house, the same room, and then you commemorate the event with a gift card? That’s cold as fuck.

A one-ounce bottle of Portland Beard Company’s beard oil, which is a blend of “argan oil and other natural oils”, costs $20. FOUR ounces of pure argan oil, which is the active ingredient in PBCBO, costs $19.25.

Not that Mountaineer Beard Oil, Tree Ranger Beard Oil, or Grave Before Shave are any less embarrassingly named.

This absurdly-expensive Bluetooth-enabled deadbolt lock is an excellent way to let someone into your house who has stolen your phone. All they’ll have to do to open your front door is open the app on your stolen phone and click “unlock.”

To make matters worse, it seems to have firmware problems, and as one reviewer noted, “when my phone is in the house, whoever touches the lock can unlock it.” And anyone prowling around the neighborhood can identify this piece of shit from its glowing blue ring of LEDs. Great job, guys.

Clindamycin, a powerful antibiotic, is available online, without a prescription. Why is this a problem? Clindamycin is known to cause outbreaks of Clostridium difficile, a bacteria that causes uncontrollable diarrhea, resulting in the deaths of around 14,000 people annually in the United States alone. The antibiotic resistance caused by the overuse of antibiotics has directly lead to XDR TB (extensively-drug-resistant tuberculosis) and Super-Gonorrhea (an antibiotic-resistant sexually-transmitted bacteria.)

In case fatal diarrhea, incurable shit-lung, or dick-rot doesn’t toot your whistle, there’s always trenbolone, an anabolic steroid being sold as “cattle implant.”

What is a “toy fuck pastry set”? Are you supposed to fuck the cakes after you make them? The listing doesn’t say.

I have a feeling that Star Wars fans might hate this yard decoration more than anyone else. One customer reported that it lasted only a single day, which is the opposite of Hanukkah, for any Star Wars Hanukkah celebrators out there.

Star Wars plus Hanukkah also equals sadness, by the way.