Does this wooden USB charger act as a hub for your computer’s limited USB connectivity? Nope. It’s just for charging phones.

Does it look elegant with its wood casing? Nope. If you use it, you’ve still got a bunch of wires sticking out all over. And if someone sees you paid extra for a charger-that’s-not-even-a-hub to have a wooden case, they’ll know you’re a dipshit.

I know what you’re thinking, but, no, the Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer doesn’t get your dog high.

You’ll have to do that yourself, in order to get him into the plastic bag and keep him still while hot air circulates all around his body.

I can’t think of many things more dystopian than having a button in your cabinet, linked to the internet, that orders more Smart Water for you when you press it. Except, maybe, a Larabar button.

You know what would be relaxing? If my entire queen-sized bed rocked back and forth, like I was trying to sleep on the deck of a ship in a storm.

Outside in a field. Like the picture. Because that’s where I sleep.

What an amazing advancement! It’s not like all the tape measures before this had little black lines every fraction of an inch, so that you could measure how long the thing was you were measuring. It’s definitely worth the huge premium you pay for having a digital readout on the top.

I don’t think they’re selling anything, but Is Your Girlfriend A Horse.com is so stupid I can barely comprehend it.