As sure as the Earth traces a helix ’round the Sun as our galaxy spirals out in the expansion of the universe, so does the icy hand of death await us all. A billion years of natural selection, branches of the evolutionary tree dividing and sub-dividing to eventually produce a dead dog on a kitchen counter. Children run from house to house as dusk falls, and life continues without the dachsund. A pancreas succumbs to a lifestyle of force-fed sugar. Two lives forever ripped asunder, their paths never again to cross, from a candy trade gone wrong. Such is Halloween, and life.    

Who’s fun, has a sassy attitude, and had to be sent out of Britain to avoid being bombed to death by the Germans? The World War II Evacuee Costume For Girls, of course!               

If you thought that the dopey stoner “culture” would disappear as cannabis tilted forwards into full recreational legalization, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

Although Lego has dropped the ball in recent years by creating the Friends series of “Legos For Girls,” they, at least, never armed their minifigures with modern murder tools. That’s where American companies come in, to “liberate” these happy, high-taxation-rate Danish minifigs from their progressive overlords. You can now arm your Lego men with Lego-scale M-16s, combat shotguns, dual-wield Uzis, rocket-propelled grenades,  or (above) buy a custom-outfitted modern murder-soldier, strapped with magazines and holsters.

And just like American soldiers, when they’re done with their tour of duty, there’s no psychiatric Lego hospital to help them work through the trauma.

If you’ve been waiting to strap on the welding-mask-like Solar Face Shield until it was available in polka-dot, this is for you. I personally prefer the blue-fade colorway, but that’s mostly because it has a weird mannequin head underneath.  

While it’s no match for the hat that is entirely shaped like a hot dog, this bucket hat covered in hot dogs serves nicely as Hot Dog Hat #2.

Either of these Hot Dog Hats would be a perfect match, in both color and tone, to the Hot Dog Tank Top. But it’s only the true Hot Dog Head whose body can withstand the intense style of the Hot Dog Shorts.

Is Mountain Dew Baja Blast a bad soda? Sure, objectively, yes. But this isn’t about the soda. The item I really want to highlight is Baja Blast vape juice. Supposedly made from the soda, it’s 30 disgusting milliliters of boiled-down soda and glycerin, ready to load into your vape.

Then again, if you’re a Regular Mountain Dew drinker and vapist, then you’d want the Regular Mountain Dew Vapor Max VG for your puffable robot-dick.