Monthly Archives: October 2015

Pumpkin Hell



Pumpkins, the fruit of the Cucurbita pepo plant, are fine as food. Baked, in a pie, whatever. In the rush to capitalize on Pumpkin Spice Everything, though, factory-food manufacturers have released an increasing number of pumpkin-flavored candy every fall for the past few years. Inveitably, most of it is terrible.

The “pumpukin pudding flavor” of Japanese Kit Kats (above) suffers from a glut of artificial vanilla. Even taking into consideration that the Japanese “pumpkin” is actually a kabocha squash (a cultivar of Cucurbita maxima, which is a different species entirely) they’re inedible.  Ghirardelli Pumpkin Spice Caramel Chocolates ruin the simple pleasure of milk chocolate with a soapy nutmeg-laden center. And the flavor of Jet-Puffed Pumpkin Spice Mallows can best be described as the color – not the flavor – “orange.”

The worst of this year’s pumpkin horror, as far as I’m concerned, is the Hostess Pumpkin Spice Twinkie. It marries the traditional already-stale taste of the Twinkie’s outer cake with a chemical-scented toothpaste filling seemingly designed to impress upon you the idea that, yes, you are killing yourself by eating this very food. No doubt the people who were outside holding signs bemoaning the Twinkie shutdown a few years back are gleefully slamming these one after another into their throats, if they’re still breathing. Cake, frosting, and pumpkins can be delicious, but the combination of all three in a product that leads you to question if any of us on this doomed sphere deserve to have lived in the first place is as good an illustration of man’s inhumanity to man as any other.

The Fall’s Best Pud-Pullers


Just as Cadbury tweaked the Creme Egg to make the Cadbury Screme Egg for the Halloween season, Fleshlight, a premium brand of penis jacker-offers, has released its own Halloween-themed variants. Pictured above is the Fleshlight Alien, but you can also get a vampire-themed Fleshlight called Succu Dry. For those who prefer an input to an outlet, the Fleshlight Zombie Dildo is exactly what it sounds like.

There’s no reason to hold the jack-o-mantern yourself, either: they’ve released a bathroom-wall mount for hands-free operation.

The Chambong


The “Chambong” is a dedicated Champagne-drinking device which holds four ounces of liquid. It may or may not work better than this:

champagne drinking

Wine Stakes


We’ve already solved the problem of “where do I put my wine outside?” It’s called an outside table. Not a set of stakes you hammer into the ground and balance your wineglass on. Yeah, it technically works, but so does a plastic cup. If you’re into photoshopped pictures, though, you might want to take a peek at the 4 adults all using the same iPad together, on the beach, while the wine stakes crookedly hold their glasses of red wine.

What is a pirate?

Before you appropriate culture by dressing like a pirate this Halloween, let me remind you:


This is not a pirate.


This is also not a pirate.


This is a pirate.


But neither of these men are pirates.

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