PyroPet, the makers of the expensive cat-skeleton candle I wrote about before, now have a reindeer version for the holidays. It’s cute, if you want to spend $44 on a single candle. At least it’s better than the enormous candle with a ring inside, which you have to burn to get the ring out.

What kind of world would you live in where you need to open bottles, but can’t, because you’re not at home, and not in a bar, and you don’t have your keychain, but your dog is with you? The Dog Collar Bottle Opener world, I suppose.

In my world, if you want a dog that opens a beer bottle, you get Gold Dog Push Down Bottle Opener, because it’s a plastic dog who bears the exact expression you’d expect if you shoved a beer bottle up his ass.

The Traxedo is a great way to look like you’re wearing a weird plastic tuxedo at the gym. Or like you’re wearing a weird plastic tuxedo at someone’s wedding. Truly the worst of both worlds. There’s also a version of it in baby blue, in case that’s… more… something… for you. Neither of them hold a candle to the $169 Suitjamas, a combination of a suit with a set of men’s pajamas.

If you have a sex thing where you want someone to treat you bad, that’s one thing. But quietly assenting to eat meals out of a big dog-bowl labeled MAN is a special level of depressing. Maybe it’s the Chef Boyardee and goblet of Juicy Juice, but it just seems degrading. You might as well drink out of the toilet. (That second link is proof that somewhere, a time traveler stepped on a butterfly, and we got pushed onto an alternate timeline where nothing will be quite right ever again.)