I hope not, dog.

“Success?!” crows the television host. “More like FAILURE. They should call it Failure Deodorant.” He extends his index finger and thumb to form a handgun, then blows smoke from the imaginary gun’s barrel. Another political career destroyed by a single insult. It’s just another day at work to him.

Tactical Bacon comes in a can with a gun logo. Whether you eat it in a fortified compound while you’re having a standoff with the federal government, or alone, by the light of your computer, this $45-per-pound processed meat product will probably allow you to complete your mission to do whatever you’re doing. There are, theoretically, “101 Things To Do With Bacon,” but let’s be realistic.

Bullet push-pins are the perfect gift for the ultraviolent person in your life who would love to shoot his cork-board but doesn’t want to pay to repair the wall behind it. They’re also perfect for sticking into a map to mark your past shooting sprees… or plan them for the future.

Just like the bulletproof backpacks that came out after a round of school shootings a couple years back, the SkySaver is meant to capitalize on your fear of being stuck in a burning skyscraper in a post-9/11 world. It’s an insanely expensive one-time-use cable and rappelling harness that you use, once, to escape from the window of a room that’s up to 260 feet away from the street.

Since the only way to actually review one of these would be to blow a thousand bucks by testing it, there aren’t any reviews from people who have actually used it. And if your skyscraper catches on fire, and it fails to save your life, you won’t leave a review either. Given the statistics of skyscraper fires, and the limitations of this device, it’s likely that no one who has purchased one will actually use it as intended.

There’s (sadly) nothing for sale here, but Is Your Girlfriend A Horse? is probably the most bizarre quiz I’ve ever taken online.

Referring to millions of people (in this country alone) as “fans of religious stupidity” is a great way to try to make normal atheists sound like internet-typing dorkbags. There is, amazingly, an enormous group of atheist and agnostic people in the world who aren’t threatened by the existence of the Bible. They’re all around you, on the bus, in the grocery store, at work, living their lives without the need to say things like “More like the King FAILS Version!!!”

Besides, if you need to buy an entire book to tell you why the Bible is not literally The Word Of God, you might not be as smart as you think you are.