Charming as sixty seconds of streaming video, and surprisingly uninteresting for 26 straight minutes on DVD, Nora The Piano Cat is a cat who, technically, plays piano. If you’re going to drop a few bucks on bad piano playing, you should probably go with the H. Jon Benjamin jazz album, whose conceit is that HJB doesn’t know how to play piano, but does anyway.

Of all the things you could bring back from the 1990s, JNCO jeans are perhaps the worst. This isn’t a third-party seller getting rid of twenty-year-old deadstock pants, either. They’re being made again, new, in several styles, for people who could have been conceived by someone wearing JNCOs in the 90s, and born inside of them nine months later, sliding down the enormous leghole to the guitar crunch of Ozzfest, umbilical cord clamped shut with butterfly clips, doomed by society to wear the same foul pants twenty years later.

I wrote this book in 2005 and it’s now worth $0.01 a copy (used), according to the invisible hand of the free market.

My 2011 book Married To The Sea? Also $0.01, used.

Maybe people finally figured out that a decade’s worth of Toothpaste For Dinner and Married To The Sea comics are online for free.

I’m sure this is supposed to sound bad ass somehow, but, yes, this is why you don’t give a knife to a baby. At least, unlike this onesie, the baby doesn’t have a gun. And once you see the “My dad will kill your children” design, both of those will seem tame.

The Segway salesman walks casually up to a group of kids on hoverboards and holds out the Segway Mini Pro. “Hey, you cool guys want to try out the next dope thing?” Getting no response, he continues. “It’s like the hoverboard, but it’s eight hundred bucks, and it’s… You use your phone to control it…” He tries to pull his phone out of his belt-holster, fumbles, and drops both the Segway and his phone as the teens laugh. “It’s fire,” he says, picking everything up. “Straight fire.”

This box of 12 tubes of penis-shaped lipstick (check out the customer pictures if you can’t imagine with your mind what a penis-shaped lipstick would look like) is a little over a buck a tube. That’s pretty cheap, if you don’t mind the obvious downside to penis lipstick.

Your baby, born in 2015 or 2016, will definitely understand and appreciate this $150 Super Mario wall lamp. There’s a picture of it lit up, in case that coaxes the money out of your e-wallet. More importantly, it’s “frequently sold with” a bevy of Super Mario wall decorations, like this and this, because what’s having a kid without making them live in the pixellated Nintendo hell-world of your own childhood?