You’re a terrible toilet.

You copied that other toilet.

I didn’t say shit to you, third toilet!

“Best gift for boy firend,” says the listing of this cigarette-shaped pillow. But I’d posit that it’s probably the second-best gift for boyfriend, behind this bizarre lump of flesh.

Okay, maybe it’s third-best gift for boyfriend. Because this right here is at least #2.

Most people who bought this castor oil liked it. Except for Roman, who found something disgusting in place of the oil he bought. (I won’t spoil the surprise – here’s the direct link to his review.)

I don’t know what’s more bizarre about this mask – the idea that shining red and blue light on your face performs specific skin-care duties, or the fact that it costs over a thousand dollars.

Buying mail-order water in boxes is not, as the manufacturer claims, environmentally responsible. There might be a source of drinking water in your home that doesn’t have to get driven to your doorstep by a gas-burning truck, if you think about it.

At least it’s not “blk”, the water that’s colored opaque black by added chemicals, sold at an even higher premium because it’s alkaline, a property beloved by nuts and hoaxers the world around.

This set of oven-rack protectors almost makes sense at first, but if you think about it for a moment, you realize that if you stick something made of silicone in the oven, it gets hot like the rest of the oven. So you reach in the oven after baking your silicone things for twenty minutes, touch them, and are shocked to find out that they’re hot. (The reviews mention this frequently.) The reason silicone works as an insulator for oven mitts is because it doesn’t degrade when exposed to high temperatures, and is a thermal insulator, meaning that it picks up heat more slowly than a thermal conductor, such as metal, or your hand.

Anyway, even if these silicone protectors did work, which is to say that they somehow stayed cool after baking in the oven and allowed you to safely touch the oven rack, the next step of action would be to reach in there and grab that hot pizza with your bare hands.

(Silicone isn’t a particularly good insulator, it’s just a cheap, inert one. Fiberglass, used in home insulation, is about 8 times more thermally insulating than silicone rubber. And Aerogel, a synthetic material made of silica, is three times better at insulating than fiberglass, if you’re interested in heat transfer or materials, which most people aren’t.)

“We reserve the right to refuse any profanity,” warns this Christian book store, in their listing of “Send A Message On A Potato.” Don’t let the MS-Painted-on text fool you, though – they don’t engrave or laser-cut anything into that spud. They write it on there with a pen. Which makes the price that much worse.