Monthly Archives: November 2016

Cat Hair, Dog Hair, Human Hair

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If you liked “Crafting With Cat Hair” then you should know that there’s a similar book about knitting with dog hair.

The real story here, though, is that you can purchase real human hair online. That means it’s only a matter of time until someone writes “Human Hair Handicrafts: 39 Creepy Nodules You Can Leave Around Your House.” Since the demand will quickly outstrip the available supply, crafters will be forced to read “HairTime: Guaranteed Strategies 2 Make A Woman Give U Her Hair” and “Get That Hair! A Crafter’s Manifesto.”



The Piss Desk

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This looks like a pretty normal desk at first, until you read the review where the guy asks if it’s okay to hang his catheter from it. And, he specifies, it’s not for medical reasons – it’s because he considers himself a “hardcore gamer” and won’t get up from his gaming desk to pee in the toilet.

Then, you realize that every gaming desk ever made probably has at least guy recreationally catheterizing himself while he’s sitting in front of it.

Then, you dig a bit more and find there may be a woman out there who wants to make sure she’s meeting dudes with catheters.



The Banana Slicer

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Pretty much anything cuts a banana, but a banana cutter exists, and this one has (at the time of this post) over 5,000 customer reviews.

Everyone is good at different things, but today I learned that I am good at cutting bananas by myself. Maybe you are too. Think of all the things you do in your life that don’t require a special tool that’s also shaped like the task you’re attempting. We’re prodigies, you and me, cutting our bananas with nothing more than a butter knife, punching the microwave buttons with our human fingers, walking across the kitchen floor in nothing but socks.

The Life Of Dick Butt

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You’ve no doubt encountered the character “Dick Butt,” originally from KC Green’s comic Gun Show. Despite the fact that they don’t have permisison, several companies continue to make counterfeit Dick Butt merchandise. There’s a counterfeit Dick Butt mug, a counterfeit Dick Butt t-shirt, a counterfeit Dick Butt For President shirt, a counterfeit Dick Butt car sticker, and perhaps worst of all, a counterfeit Dick Butt children’s backpack. All of this supposes that you’re so committed to showing everyone you love the dick with a butt that has a dick growing out of his own butt that you need to share it with the world.

There is, though, a Dick Butt realer than any of those I’ve yet shared with you. You may see it, but you have to promise me you’re not at work before you check it out.



Wine Bra, Beer Gut

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If you need to smuggle alcohol somewhere, the best way to do it is in your stomach. And if you need a place to hide and drink the alcohol to get it in there, well, that’s why they invented bushes.

But if that doesn’t do it for you, put 25 ounces of wine into The Wine Rack, a bra with a plastic hose that lets you suck the wine back out of the hose. I’m not sure how that’s more covert than drinking it out of a glass. And you also have to consider that adults drink wine whenever there are more than 3 of them in a room, as a defense mechanism. It’s not something people do in secret.

If your only problem with The Wine Rack is “I’d love to sip hot swill out of a plastic hose, but I don’t wear a bra and 25 ounces isn’t enough!” then the BeerBelly, an eighty-ounce prosthetic gut that hangs off your existing gut, may be the product for you.

CB For Christians

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Suggesting that you use the handle “Rollin’ Chaplain”, “Deek”, or “Colorado Tune Heister” (?!), this book from 1976 is definitely not worth its insane price tag, but apparently played a big part in the lone reviewer’s life.

Surprisingly, not only can you still buy CB radios, but they’re way cheaper than you’d think. The time might be ripe for the humble CB radio to make its return, if only so we can yell at each other through the electromagnetic spectrum instead of online.



Half The Keyboard, 20 Times The Price

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“Never move your hand from the keyboard again!” brags the manufacturer of this $565.00 half-keyboard. Unless having Y, U, I, O, P, H, J, K, L, N, M, and punctuation keys is slowing down your work, it might not be much of a productivity-booster. And the Tab, Backspace, Escape and Delete functions are assigned to the same key, which must be amazingly convenient.

Click thru to the big picture if you want to revel in the full glory of this keyboard.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.