The longer I write here, and the more egg-related items I find, it’s become clear that no one can deal with eggs. The Eggstractor is a plastic contraption that’s supposed to remove the shells from hard-boiled eggs. According to the 124 one-star reviews, though, it doesn’t work. The real reason I’m showing you The Eggstractor is for this random guy’s homemade commercial for the Eggstractor, where he takes two minutes to show you how to use it. It even includes this egg-shaped microwave egg cooker.

Ultimately, though, we have to reflect: what is it about humans that makes eating an egg so difficult? It’s not the egg’s fault. A chicken doesn’t wake up in the morning and hatch a plot to make us create, sell, and then use the Rollie Eggmaster to levitate a turd-shaped cooked egg out of a metal hole. There’s no reason for you to cook an egg in an Egg Genie and then push it into the Egg Cuber to make the egg a cube. You simply go outside, pick the chicken up, and as the egg slides out, you catch it in your mouth, crunching it, and then spitting the shell out as you would a sunflower seed.

Serial killer Todd Kohlhepp left Amazon reviews on the items he very likely purchased and used to kill his victims. Although he went by the name “me” in the reviews, the identity was linked to a wish list in his name. His reviews left details of the murders, with commnets about “hiding the bodies” that turned out to be true. Here’s about 40 of his reviews, but this is the one that sticks out to me, since his last victim was found in a shipping container, and managed to alert police while she was still alive:

“have 5 on a shipping container.. wont stop them.. but sure will slow them down til they are too old to care”

This bottle of gun lubricant is called Liberal Tears. It’s bacon-scented. If Obama hadn’t taken everyone’s guns away, then there would still be some guns to put this on. Sad!

Spoiler alert: Bugs don’t taste as good as other food. Not Bacon & Cheese Beetles, and not BBQ Mixed Bugs. You don’t have to buy an expensive little packet of bugs and eat it, now that you know. But you should probably read the five-star review left by “purple guy.”

Demeter perfumes generally smell exactly like what’s on the bottle. “Chocolate Chip Cookie” smells eerily like a freshly-baked cookie. “Tomato” smells exactly like a tomato, which is fine, if that’s what you want. And “Bonfire” smells like you’ve been outside next to a pile of burning wood.

But I’ve always been mystified why you’d want to put on their “Dirt” fragrance. It smells like dirt from the ground. Or “Cannabis Flowers.” Or “Suntan Lotion.” Or “Poison Ivy.” And now they have a “Play-Doh” scent. And “Crayon.” That’s actually what they smell like, too. Who is wearing crayon? Where do you wear crayon?

(autotune voice) IM IN THE CLUB SMELLIN LIKE CRAYON

3 years after I reviewed “Twisted!”, a book about roller coasters that have sex with each other (yes, really – read the “Look Inside” on Amazon) the author emailed me to demand I remove it from this site. I will do no such thing.

InfoWars, the conspiracy-theory website run by libertarian Alex Jones, now has its own line of supplements, designed to fleece their supporters out of even more money. After all, if you believe that the Sandy Hook mass murder, the moon landing, and the Oklahoma City bombing were faked by the government, it’s not a stretch to believe that taking supplements of iodine can rid your body of toxins and optimize your hormone levels.

(Like most dietary claims made by supplement manufacturers, that’s not true, by the way.)