I guess if you’re going to spend thousands of dollars on a dress you wear once, you might as well get one that glows. And, never fear, men with poor taste: there’s a matching suit for you.

Scuttlebutt has it that he likes that, Calvin.

Tweebot is a battery-powered device that lets you control your phone with your voice, which might be useful if the phone didn’t already do that itself. Unfortunately, per the customer reviews, it won’t stay connected to your phone, and generally doesn’t work. It’s also twice the price of the Amazon Echo Dot, which is basically the same product, and seems like an awkward way to accomplish anything online, but seems to work reliably.

These small adhesive strips are used to tape your eyelids together to make your eyes look “beautiful & youthful.” (Check out the manufacturer’s photos to see how it works.) There are several competing products, like Eye Magic, Dream Look, and EasyLift, but my favorite variant on this is NeckTite, which is the same thing, but for your neck.

This countertop device brags that it “eliminates waste” by charging you an insane amount to mix a pre-made packet of flavoring with liquor. If pouring a premade mixer and a shot of liquor into a cup is beyond your abilities, then this is not the solution.

If you absolutely must have a liquor-maker on your countertop, then at least this thing makes slushies.

Incest, monster erotica, and the Federal Unemployment Tax Act? That’s an insta-buy for me.

Two stepsisters in their neighbor’s futa lair? Another insta-buy. Thank you, “Customers Who Bought This Also Bought.”

DubStein claims to be “the world’s first Bluetooth stereo speaker with beverage integration.” If you’ve ever wanted to drink beer out of a bluetooth speaker, your dreams have finally come true, I guess.