You have to physically load water and ground coffee into this coffeemaker, so it’s anyone’s guess as to why you’d want to then walk into another room and start it up via Wi-Fi. Even the person in the manufacturer’s own illustration is pressing the button on the front instead of using their phone.

Do you believe in free will? The ability of the mind to break free of its physical determinism and command the body? Or do you think, as complex as it may be, human existence is simply emergent from the physical laws of the universe? That gravity, electromagnetism, weak and strong nuclear forces acting on matter have swung into motion this whole shitshow, and we are powerless to watch it happen, barely awake, gone in an instant?

Well, here’s a Trump Fidget Spinner.

Spraying mist into the air outside makes you feel cooler, but it also ruins your day if you’re wearing glasses.

This eight-foot-tall garden gnome is constructed to scale. It costs a decent amount, but given how much the same manufacturer’s 16-foot-long stegosaurus yard statue costs, it’s kind of a bargain.

Will fried chicken achieve the “food meme” status that pizza and bacon did? It doesn’t matter, because this fried chicken shirt is terrible either way.

The owner of this shirt is currently wearing a shirt.

Feel like replacing part of your daily family social life with a gadget? Well, Did You Feed The Dog has you covered. Even if you don’t have a set schedule for feeding your dog, or a single member of the family assigned to the chore, or the ability to include feeding your companion in your daily routine of chores, there are probably easier ways to accomplish the task of feeding your dog. And if you can’t remember if you fed the dog, you probably won’t remember to Did You Feed The Dog your dog. But, whatever. Grease the wheels of capitalism, baby. Tape a metal sign to your house and keep the economy strong.