Even if you’re into eating chocolate dirt buttons, the reviews note that the asscandy, which ships from overseas, arrives melted. Edible Anus also gets a boo from me for censoring the word ANUS, the least profane word or phrase out of thousands that could be used to describe the butthole.

This pillow attaches to your computer with USB, and when you slam or punch it, it sends an Enter keypress.

A Yoni Egg is a polished rock that the buyer inserts into his or her vagina, with the intent of strengthening the vagina muscles. Most of the rocks made for this purpose are porous, which could incubate bacteria, leading to bacterial vaginosis or toxic shock. And there aren’t any clinical studies showing that clenching the pelvic floor muscles to keep a rock inside will strengthen it. (Kegel exercises are the medically-accepted way to strengthen these muscles, and if you feel this is something you need, you should ask your doctor, not a guy with a blog that posts books called Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt.)

The wrong way to destroy capitalism is by selling a $30 t-shirt that says “DESTROY CAPITALISM,” if you were wondering.

Wha-BAM! SLAM THAT SHIT! W me, motherfuckers! I got warts so much I got a damn wart button!

Are you unable to handle asparagus without a specialized container to do it for you? Then you’ll need the Prepara Pod, a standing plastic container to suspended-animate your asparagus or herbs inside your fridge. The nut of the ad copy is “Now that’s better than a damp cloth!”, which is true for a lot of products, but also reveals its unnecesary expense and use of nonrenewable materials.

The Pope Toaster is exactly what you’d imagine it to be. It burns a blurry picture of Pope Francis into your bread. The rosary is not included.