The Pet Umbrella is an upside-down umbrella that keeps your dog dry while you walk. “That makes sense,” you say, until I point out that it was Frequently Bought With Snuggie For Dogs.

Snuggie For Dogs.

I never wanted to masturbate to an old man chopping through ice with an ax until this stupid book told me not to. Go to hell, Graham Johnson and Rob Hibbert, for trying to crank-shame me with pictures of rubber dishwashing gloves and other JPEGs you found on the internet.

Alt-medicine nutballs love “trace minerals”, because they claim that we’re missing them due to the way our water and food are treated. It’s a “return to nature” argument, which falls short here, because Trace Mineral Drops contain a concentration of arsenic 200 times higher than the highest exposure recommendation given by the World Health Organization. 

Since the FDA does not regulate supplements in the same manner that it regulates foods or drugs, products like this often go to market with harmful levels of toxic metals and other byproducts. The FDA does not act to inspect supplements until they are implicated in causing harm, which means that if you chug some moron-juice because a yoga person told you it was good for your energy, you might end up arsenic-addled before the FDA even knows it’s being sold.

Looking at the Spin-Clean Record Washer, you’d think that it rotates your record through a cleaning bath on some kind of motor, but no, you have to turn it by hand. The yellow box is a plastic tub with two plastic rollers. The “washer fluid” is water, alcohol, and a tiny bit of detergent. The price for this combination of plastic tub, velvet “brushes”, and bottle of relabeled Windex is $79.00.

If you must buy dirty records, a microfiber cloth ($13 for a pack of 24) and a bottle of Windex will work just as well for cleaning them.

Let “Street Sword” be your introduction to the world of Phil Elmore, a man with the singular obsession of “self-defense.” The “Look Inside” preview of the text should give you a taste of the Street Sword, after which you can move on to Flashlight Fighting, a guide to the world of whupping someone’s ass with a flashlight.

Whoops, I meant “defending yourself.”

This ring attachment turns your iPhone into a ring. No, I don’t know why.

The BugZooka is a $50 vacuum-based device that lets you “humanely” capture bugs from inside your house and release them outdoors. Unfortunately, in the case of many house-invading bugs, you’re screwing everyone else in your city by not squashing the sons of bitches.

The most persistently-invasive bug in the American midwest is the brown marmorated stink bug (below) which crawls through vents and crevices, dozens at a time, spraying a characteristic hell-cilantro odor throughout your house. It was accidentally introduced into this area from its native Asia, where it immediately began overpowering local species and destroying crops.

So if I see you vacuum up a brown marmorated stink bug and whoosh it back outside with your humane-tube, I’m going to collect a thousand alive ones and dump them down your chimney every night until you cry.