If only there were something caffeinated we could drink with breakfast so we wouldn’t have to spend $45 on caffeinated maple syrup.

I love my family. But I don’t want to try to sleep all night inside a big insulated plastic bag with them. The manufacturer claims it fits four “if you have young children”, which may be technically true, but I dare you to stay asleep in a padded sweatbag with a five-year-old pushing her knees into the small of your back and sleep-talking about Dinosaur Train.

The Original Accomodator is a dildo attached to a head-strap so you can wear the dildo on your chin. I have pixellated it in case you’re not in the mood to see such a thing, but there are several pictures on the product listing if you want to get Accomodated.

Bizarrely, there is a SECOND product called The Accomodator, which I guess is why the first one called itself The Original Accomodator. The non-original Accomodator also has a dildo, and a strap, but to use it, you… well… maybe it’s best if you just go see the incredibly not-safe-for-work picture and description of it.

In what seems to be an attempt to spam the entire music industry, a man named Matt Farley has recorded thousands of songs and set them out for sale online. “The Passionate & Objective Jokerfan” is one of his pseudonyms, and he has released ELEVEN albums under this name alone. Using the same, uh, “musical style.”

If you must, listen to “Katy Perry, You Make Good Songs” or probably any song from the album titled “Nice Man Sings Song For The People Songs Yes Now Cover Up.”

He’s got dozens of pseudonyms (The Strange Man Who Sings About Dead Animals, The Paranormal Song Warrior, The New York Sports Band, etc.) but probably the best is “The Birthday Band For Old People,” where he has recorded 17 albums’ worth of songs wishing a happy birthday to a specific person’s name. “Happy Birthday Bart”, “Happy Birthday Brenda”, and so on, over and over.

There are two possible scenarios for this author’s continuing series of books. Either she likes robot-fuckin’ enough to write five books about it on her own, or the demand is still so high after the first four that she was golden-handcuffed to continue the series. Regardless, there are five books with the title “Sex With My Husband’s Anatomically Correct Robot,” and they all have “Look Inside” links, so you can experience the grammar-defying world of dickbots.

The third book of the series is what you want if you’re into robot incest, by the way.

The “Little Whizzer” lets you live your lifelong dream of having a little boy piss in your drink.

Ladies, are you tired of feeling insecure about every body part except your arms? It’s your lucky day. It’s time to buy an arm girdle! This one’s in black, to “reduce arm flab.”

This one’s a nude-color arm girdle! And it provides an “arm smoothing effect”!!!

This one, and I quote, “creates the perfectly firm arms of your dreams.”