I’m not sure that it counts as an autobiography if it’s written by someone other than the subject, and the excerpts available online were extremely dry and boring, but let me take a stab at it. Like a Roman.
I was getting tired of all these assholes following me around, writing down everything I said. After John The Baptist died (RIP) I was just chillin, and before I knew it, there were 4,000 of these disciples and they’re all “ohhhh we’re so huuuungry.” Like I even wanted any freaking disciples in the first place. After three days I was finally like, fine, and I sent some apostles out to buy up a ton of food all hurricane-style. They came back and I was like “I got bread and fish so stop your scrub-ass moaning.”
Well, a guy in the crowd starts flipping out like “where did Jesus get all this food” and I go, all sarcastically, “magic. I got it from my magic powers.” Next thing I know they’re all writing “magic” on their scrolls and I’m like, no, no, it was a joke, but they kept saying I multiplied the food. I was pretty scorched, but it was nothing compared to what happened later. (No spoilers, but if you’ve seen that cross thing they put in churches, it’s related to that.)