Monthly Archives: October 2018

DVDs For Cats


There’s apparently a huge market in cat videos. Not the ones you watch on your computer that have cats in them, but videos that you put on your TV for your cat to watch. You can choose from Video Catnip, Cat Sitter, The Purrfect DVD, Cat DreamsCat DVD, and a dozen other titles.

If you’re not feeling like this is a troubling advancement for humanity, I urge you to watch the Cat DVD infomercial and report back.

The Perfect Bacon Bowl


According to the box, “Everything tastes better in a bacon bowl.” The Perfect Bacon Bowl is a tool which you use, if you hate your body, to microwave strips of bacon into a bowl shape. Believe it or not, it’s frequently bought with the StufZ Burger Press, which has to be neck-and-neck with eating every meal out of a bacon bowl in terms of culinary horror.

Make sure you read the dozens of reviews paying tribute to a life made more complete with the addition of Perfect Bacon Bowl.

Jesus’ Autobiography


I’m not sure that it counts as an autobiography if it’s written by someone other than the subject, and the excerpts available online were extremely dry and boring, but let me take a stab at it. Like a Roman.

I was getting tired of all these assholes following me around, writing down everything I said. After John The Baptist died (RIP) I was just chillin, and before I knew it, there were 4,000 of these disciples and they’re all “ohhhh we’re so huuuungry.” Like I even wanted any freaking disciples in the first place. After three days I was finally like, fine, and I sent some apostles out to buy up a ton of food all hurricane-style. They came back and I was like “I got bread and fish so stop your scrub-ass moaning.”

Well, a guy in the crowd starts flipping out like “where did Jesus get all this food” and I go, all sarcastically, “magic. I got it from my magic powers.” Next thing I know they’re all writing “magic” on their scrolls and I’m like, no, no, it was a joke, but they kept saying I multiplied the food. I was pretty scorched, but it was nothing compared to what happened later. (No spoilers, but if you’ve seen that cross thing they put in churches, it’s related to that.)

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